I Kissed a Girl
by andI'mstillinlove
Summary: New story, hopefully the nagging friends keep me on this, read it and check it out yeah?
1. I Kissed a Girl intro

**I Kissed a Girl**

A/N: I live!! This is a new story, I've been entertaining the idea in my mind, and my friend Confidently Insecure's amazing story inspired me to actually write it, and hopefully with a bunch of friends nagging me I might be able to finish a fic since Jumper was completed a year ago. Wish me luck, hope you like it. And the idea for this chapter was my gfs idea, so I thank her for letting me use it, you're amazing and beautiful baby girl, hope you're sleeping well. --Enjoy--

_This was never the way I planned, not my intention,_

_I got so brave drink in hand, lost my discretion,_

_Its not what I'm used to,_

_Just wanna try you on,_

_I'm curious for you, caught my attention. _

It was only 11:30 and 2 hours into the party and I was officially bored. I drove all the way up to LA from Huntington Beach ( a 2 hour drive without traffic), expecting a worthy way to spend my time, and all I found was another booze and weed infested party, filled with a _lot _of wasted and horny teenagers. Unfortunately, even stoned and drunk, the easy-to-take-advantage-of girls were all over guys instead of me, which only served to damage my bad self-esteem, I wasn't desirable, even to wasted girls. I was considering joining the ranks of the great and mighty "drunk off our asses" girls, but a commotion in the corner of the room caught my eye. I set down my watery beer and casually shuffled over, being careful to keep my head tucked down and my eyes to the floor, my ears sorting through the various other noises in the room. I came to a stop several feet away and pretended to be in deep conversation with a passed out guy with his shirt ripped open, my ears finally picking up the other conversation happening.

"I don't care what youuuuu want!! I said I'm done!"

"Ashy-bear, come on, you're really drunk right now, lets get you home, alright?"

"No!! I wanna stay here with my friendddss."

I was about to move on, just another drunk whore with her boytoy having a little tussle. Suddenly, I see the guys hands shoot out from his sides and push her back into the wall, his hands digging into the bare shoulders of the girl. She flashed pleading eyes at everything behind the man, eventually landing on me. Oh no... please no. And then she does it, the helpless "I'm a damsel in distress, please help me" look. Girls _know_ girls are my weakness, they _know_ I'd jump into a flaming building if a hot girl was trapped on the top floor, trapped in a closet, and this one knows, the second her eyes settle on me, that I'll help her. (insert helpless sigh) I re-adjust my shirt, trying to give my arms maximum show, trying to scare the muscle-head into stopping, but girl muscles don't really compare to guy muscles, even if I do work out 4 days a week. I finally take the steps to the girl abuser, and slap his arm off of the girls shoulder, edging my way in between them, the guys chest just about eye level with me, ew, men's chests...

"Can I help you, bitch?"

Whoa whoa now, I haven't even said anything yet.

"Yeah, I think you could, I couldn't help noticing you were getting kinda rough with her."

He leans down, and he's breathing hard, he's just as drunk as his Ashy-bear is, this could be nasty...

"She likes it rough, believe me, now move, dykey."

My eyebrows raise.

"I don't really care what it is she likes or doesn't like, you're gonna hurt her if you keep this up, and I'm asking you nicely to please step off."

His hands shift to my shoulders now, and his bony fingers are digging into my skin, I wince slightly, earning a smirk from him.

"Scared there, dykey?"

His breath makes me want to puke, I seriously hate alcohol most of the times. Ok, this could get physical, so now I have to issue the stupid warning.

"Alright meat-head, if you want to 'rumble', I am a 1st degree black belt and a registered deadly weapon, by saying this information, I have now avoided a lawsuit in a court due to use of a deadly weapon." (I'm not making that up, I have to do that too)

His eyes were glazed, and I knew if asked that he wouldn't remember a damn thing, let alone me issuing a warning about using deadly force. Men, they all suck. I had to duck and shove the girl out from behind me at the same time as a fist came flying towards my face, slamming into the plaster behind me. I shoved the girl down and launched off my back foot, sliding behind the drunk beast. He whirled to face me, bringing his fist swinging in an almost palm strike, I easily caught it, twisting it up and behind his back, kicking out his legs from under him and getting him down on his knees, howling in pain as I inched the arm up on his back.

"I can break you're arm in 3 places jockstrap, I can give you a hairline fracture or completely shatter you're radius, now, you're gonna leave that girl alone, and you're gonna leave, got it?"

He muttered something, and I only hiked his arm up, earning a bellowing curse, followed by a very quiet and defeated "yes." I released his arm and stepped back, turning to the girl that was still dazed and sitting on the floor. I sighed and knelt down beside her, checking to make sure that the Hulk had finally moved on, stalking out of the room and yelling at anyone who got in his way. I touched her shoulder gingerly, causing her to jump violently.

"Whoa whoa, its alright, I'm not gonna hurt you. He's gone now, you're ok. He didn't hurt you or anything did he?"

She shook her head 'no' and shivered slightly. I sighed and unzipped my hoodie, reaching around and draping it on her shoulders.

"So listen, do you have friends or someone that can take you home?"

She shook her head no again, still staring at the floor. I shift my weight to my right leg, gently steering her chin up to look at me.

"Hey, do you have anyway to get home without that asshole?"

She shook her head again and I sighed, leave it up to me to rescue the girl who didn't have a ride home, she could be hours away. I stood up, offering my hand out to her.

"Alright, I'll take you home then, come on, lets get out of here, you're wasted."

She hesitates and only stares at my hand, and I have to bend back down to get eyelevel with her.

"Listen, Ashy-bear, or whatever you're name is, I'm not gonna hurt you or do anything to you, I just want to get you home and know you're safe and sound, alright?"

She held up her hand in my face, her pinky sticking straight out. This girl is so cute and vulnerable its killing me man. I lock my pinky with her and we both kiss the ends of our hands, my hand extending to take her whole hand, which was small and warm, and hoisted her up, almost causing her to totally fall back down, sweet baby jesus this girl was hammered. I had to snake my arm down to her waist, latching onto her belt and tugging her up, practically dragging a half conscious girl out to my truck, probably earning more then a few odd looks, well, at least I didn't have her thrown over my shoulder or something, that would be bad... I finally load her into the back of my truck (it sounds like rape, but I swear, I did nothing) and get her head propped up on my sweatshirt.

"Alright, umm, where do you live exactly?"

Her head pops up, her eyes closed.

"I don't wanna go home, take me somewhere else."

My eyebrows rise again.

"Hey, I'm sorry you're boyfriend an abusive ass, but I just wanna get you home and go home myself, I've got like a 2 hour drive back man, seriously."

Her eyes opened slowly, and even in the dim light I could see she didn't really care, drunk or not. Yes of course, I save her from certain doom and I get a girl who's a total bitch when she's drunk. God's sense of humor is not funny at all. I sigh again, girls, they kill me.

"Ok then you're highness, where would you like to go."

Even my dripping sarcasm was lost on the drunk Ashy-Bear in front of me. Her head fell back down and I just heard a mumbled "anywhere". I slammed the door shut viciously and unlocked the drivers door, stick me with the bitch, haha that's real funny. I turn on the car and leave the loud Rob Zombie blaring as I pull out of the neighborhood and look for some place to go to satisfy the queen bitch, finally pulling into a parking lot outside of an empty baseball diamond. I turn to the drunk girl and find she's still lying down, I turn in my seat, gently poking her in the stomach eliciting a small groan from her.

"Uhhh hellooo, we're 'somewhere else', wanna get out or something?"

She just shifts to face me while still lying down, guess we're staying in the car, woo hoo. I turn off the car and sit down on the center divider, staring at the girl who's staring back at me.

"So...how's life?"

Her eyes flicked to me, widening slightly.

"My parents are getting a divorce."

My face drops. Open mouth and insert foot Spencer, very nice.

"Oh... sorry."

"Nonono, I just... it's been like there for months you know? My dads having an affair with some girl at the office, and mom's just been turning a blind eye, and I have to sit there and listen to them. And they want me to choose who to live with, like I want to do that at all, and I mean, being forced to pick? They're my parents, I'll break one's heart if I choose the other."

My face drops further, I suck at helping people, seriously, I kid you not. I'm at a loss as to what to do. Her eyes fog up, ohhhh no, not the crying bit, I sure as hell cannot handle crying girls.

"And then, god, school is just killing me, grades, cheerleading, Aiden, everyone wants everything from me, and I just wanna be me... Ashley, you know?"

I nodded, please don't ask me for advice, I'm a social retard.

"And its just like so much pressure, and to be honest, I couldn't care less about where on earth I go to college or what sorority I'll get into, I just want to get out of LA and do what I want to do, live my dreams, not everyone else's dreams, you know?"

I nod again, well, at least she wasn't crying, and she's kinda cute when she rambles. She suddenly reaches out and touches my cheek, making me jump slightly and crack my head on the roof. I hear giggles as I rub my head gingerly, faking a smile, drunk people...

"So what's you're story?"

"What's that?"

"You know, who are you, all I know is that you save drunk girls from they're abusive boyfriends and take them to empty parking lots."

"Oh, umm, I'm Spencer, and I rescue drunk girls from abusive boyfriends all the time, its no big."

She sat up shakily, drawing my sweatshirt up around her shoulders, I had to say, she made my Circa sweatshirt a million times cuter then it was on me.

"No, I should thank you, I don't even want to know what he could've done to me, you really did save me back there, and you made it look so easy."

I shrug, trying to play it off and not pay attention to how cute she was.

"Nah, no big deal, 6 and a half years of training and you learn a few things, really though, no big deal."

She scooted up closer on the chair, her face maybe a foot away, I could see her eyes perfectly in the harsh glare of the light outside, they weren't brown, they weren't another color though, they were an amber color, I'm not really sure actually, but they stunned me and left me thoughtless. I could see her licking her lips, her eyes dilating slightly.

"No, I should really thank you somehow, Spencer."

I had to close my eyes and lean back, inhaling deeply, only to get lungful of a smell that was totally foreign and alien to my senses, leaving me breathless. The way she said my name just made me want to...

My thoughts were gone completely as soon as I felt one of those warm, small hands weave its way into my hair, pulling me back towards her, and then on her lips. At first, we just had our lips pressed against each other, and I so badly wanted to bite her lip, taste her mouth, anything, I wanted anything. She sensed my need and I suddenly found myself pulled further forward, my hands on either side of her body on the seat behind her, now trying to devour her lips altogether. I need more of her taste in my mouth, more of that nectar to sear onto my tongue and into my mind, I needed it. I bit her lip accidentally while shifting, gaining a moan from her which made me only kiss her harder. I wanted to continue, get more until this strange and scary urge was sated, but I was suddenly being pushed off, and I saw her slide down onto the seat, now fully out as the array of alcohol finally hit her system full force. So. Not. Fucking. Cool.

--Took me forever to write this, so lemme know what you think, my throats killin me, and I miss my Mandy, but anywhos, lemme know what you think, peace n love.


	2. Chasing Pavements

A/N: Thanks for the feedback, I guess the stories decent, I dunno lol, anyway, thanks to the people who reviewed and showed interest, I'm going to be doing the alternate PoV's, so this one is Ashley's. And a warning, Ash is straight (for now) so I'm sorry if this chaps rocky, I haven't been straight for almost 5 years haha, and before then I never really had straight girl thoughts, so I apologize in advance.

--enjoy--

_I kissed a girl,_

_And I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick._

_I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don't mind it._

"Ash?"

I turned over in a bed, burying my head in the giant pillows.

"Ash!"

I feel a hard poke in my stomach. I grumble and burrow deeper into the blankets.

"ASHLEY!!"

I finally turn over, my eyes blurred and out of focus with the spinning room around me. Wait, I was at Tom's party last night, how'd I end up at Madison's? My head felt like someone was splitting it from the inside, what the hell is this?

"Mads, how'd I get here?"

She glared down at me, and I just sighed and closed my eyes, I so wasn't in the mood for her backtalk or bad moods.

"Don't you remember anything? Some trashy looking dykey girl called my house and asked for my address, said that 'a drunk Ashley is passed out in my backseat, where do you live?' What the hell happened, you went to the party with Aiden, didn't you?"

I scrunched my face, trying to remember anything from last night. There was a fight, Aiden had me against a wall, and some girl... God what was her name? She put me in her car and we drove and then we talked and then I... I. I shot up out of the bed, my eyes wide.

"She didn't say anything did she??"

Madison gave me an odd look, getting off the bed to straighten up her dresser across the room.

"Like what? As if it wasn't weird enough that she had you drunk in her backseat, she gets you over here and you are like hammered to pieces, and she just waltzes in carrying you, dumps you on a bed and leaves."

This is a little too much to handle as I sink back into her bed.

"What happened with Aiden? You two get into a fight or something?"

I can see her trying to act cool and nonchalant about it, ask as a concerned friend, but I saw sex in her eyes as she thought about Aiden, my man. If I wasn't so confused I'm sure I would have pulled her down by her whorish hair extensions, but I just sat immobile, my brain a muddled mess. I didn't even bother answering her, slipping back into the peaceful realm of drunken sleep. When I awake again, its in my own bed in my own room, and I'm so thankful Madison isn't there to continue to give me the 3rd degree about that girl. Jesus Christ on a crutch what was her name?? She was tall, blonde hair, and these eyes that were some odd color, and they made me feel naked when she looked straight at me. And those lips...

"Ash??"

I snap my head towards the door, giving me slight vertigo and whiplash, the world beginning its tilt-a-whirl once more. The door opens and its Kyla, my half sister.

"Hey there, I was worried about you, Madison called to tell me to pick you up, are you alright?"

I only nod, my mind jumbled together in a very confused mass. What the fuck happened to me last night? I fake a smile for Kyla's sake, lying back down, still tired beyond belief.

"Thanks for coming to get me, Madison was driving me insane."

"No big deal sis, can I get you anything?"

My eyes snap open again.

"What'd you say??"

She sat back, bewildered.

"Umm, no big deal...?"

THAT'S IT!! Her name's Spencer!! I slap my knee and wince at the sting, still invigorated by my revelation. Now, her name is Spencer, what's next... I paused, I actually didn't know what was next. I mean, what was there to do? Track her down and go "Why yes, thank you for saving me from my boyfriend, and ignore that kiss please, I was drunk, it meant nothing."? Yeah, that's a good plan, maybe I can kiss again before I tell her that. WHOA. Slam on the breaks now, what the hell was that thought? I have to shake my head furiously to dislodge and catapult that thought from my head, that can't be right like at all. Cause I'm not gay, and even though I kissed Spencer, that doesn't mean I liked it, and doesn't mean I'd like to do it again. Even though she wore this amazing cherry chapstick and tasted soo good. NO!!

I bound out of bed, dashing into my walk in closet, skidding to a stop on the elm flooring in front of my giant 360 mirror (I am NOT narcissistic thank you). I inspect myself head to toe, and notice, gasping, that there are several discolorations on my shoulders, and upon closer inspection, I can see them forming a perfect shape of 2 hands, pressing down on my shoulders very, very hard. I sigh as I look at them, that's just disgusting, I'm kicking him in the balls next time I see him. I begin to turn away when I see a mark on my lip. I lean forward and look closer, discovering its a small mark where the skin had been bitten. But by who...? Oh god. I slap my head, I do remember that bite from last night. I moaned didn't I. Oh my god. I look myself over in the mirror again, trying to figure out if something had changed. I felt changed. I felt like a giant block of myself had shifted and fallen into a completely different place, interlocking with pieces of me I didn't even know existed. It scared me.

"_Hey! Hey! You! You! I can be you're girlfriend! No way, no way! I know its not a secret."_

I jolt out of my thoughts and sprint to my phone, picking it up to see who it is, only to stop cold. It was Aiden... I sighed, I couldn't do this, no way, no fucking how. I waited for the ring to play out, sinking down onto my bed. Ugh, I am so confused. I can't believe that fucking Spencer would kiss me, I mean hello, I was drunk! I angrily flipped through my phone, glancing over numbers and pictures, trying to calm myself down. I casually flipped through, all the way down, and just as I was about to shut my phone, I saw a new entry that hadn't been there the last time I'd looked at my phone. No way... And sure enough, there it was, in alternating caps lock; SpEnCeRrRr, complete with a picture of what was possibly the most beautiful girl I'd ever set eyes on. I bit my lip again, hard, feeling the mark that she'd left there, and I knew that this wouldn't be easy. I hit the call button.

A/N: There is my take on being straight, we'd all be in some trouble if this is how straight girls actually were lmao, lemme know watcha think, peace n love :)


	3. Stab City

A/N: Hey everyone, I am sorry for the rocky last chapter haha, not working as a straight girl anymore, on a more interesting note, I've contracted mono!! I've been laying down and eating my weight in ice cream and cough drops, I'm still infectious but I feel much better, so sorry bout the short wait. Thanks for the reviews, and I hope you like this chapter, I'm back in my element of gayness again :)-- from your friendly neighborhood dying author. --Enjoy--

_It felt so wrong, it felt so right, _

_Don't mean I'm in love tonight,_

_I kissed a girl and I liked it,_

_I liked it._

I settled back in my lay-z-boy chair in our empty den, my hand swirling my mountain dew orange soda monster cocktail. I belched, reaching for my ham sandwich beside me. Yes, I do sound fat. When I'm stressed or angry, I eat a lot and pump myself full of all the sugar and caffeine my hands can find. That goddamn Ashley, with her goddamn smile, with her goddamn lips and GAH!! I drain my drink, crossing my arms and glaring at my phone on the armrest beside me. I've been waiting all day, and still no call from her. Well I dunno, I shouldn't have been expecting anything now should I have? I'm hopelessly hopeful by nature, and a firm believer in good things happening. Good things haven't really ever happened to me, but I still like to dream y'know?

I was with my ladies currently, we had Jessica Alba, Kate Beckinsale, Angelina Jolie (despite some scary ass lips, bangin' bod) Sarah Roemer, Piper Perabo, and some of my other assorted harlots, but not even my harem of sex queens could shake my mood. I sighed and declined further, missing the unnecessary shower scene in Tomb Raider to stare at the paneling above me. We'd lived here all my life, and this place had never really felt like home to me, not once. It might've been that it's always empty, after the divorce, my parents didn't let me have the luxury of choosing, I was stuck with Dragon Lady of Satan Himself, my mother. Lucky for me, she worked odd hours, and when she wasn't working, she was fucking Ben. I stood up quickly, grabbing my empty glass to shuffle to our kitchen. Well at least for having such a high paying job we have a nice house, and the fridge is always stocked for my random cravings. I grabbed another can of Monster, cracking back open the bottles of orange soda and Mountain Dew, mixing equal parts, then opening the fridge to revel in the glory that is a cold pizza. I grab the box and mosey back to my place etched in the Lay-Z-boy chair.

I sighed and sank down, dining on my delicious (and uber healthy) mid-day meal, trying to vainly concentrate on a very built and fine as hell Angelina, but my mind drifted again to Ashley, I couldn't believe it, she'd tainted the purity of my sex harem, now all was lost. I set the chair to recline and let my fingers drift to my lips, trailing up and down them, trying to vainly re-capture the feeling of her lips pressed hard against mine, but I couldn't do it. She had LSD on her lips or something, I swear to God, I've never been so giddy after a kiss except for my first kiss, but even that held nothing on this. I had to sigh again, I didn't understand it at all, I mean I've had girlfriends, I've kissed, I've done a lot with a girl, and this kiss felt like a first kiss, the first real kiss I've ever had. But she was drunk, I mean, come on now. I tap my teeth with my nail, still able to feel her bottom lip tucked into them, biting down accidentally and getting that moan out of her that just made me want to absolutely...

"_Everybody was kung-fu fighting (HUH) Those kids were fast as lightning,(HAH) In fact it was a little bit frightening-"_

I jumped up, thoroughly scared, and my hands became shaky, my heartbeat erratic, but when I took the look at the caller ID, I discovered it was just Leslie. I sighed, you're killin me Baby Jesus. I picked up my phone and slid it open.

"Yeah what."

"Why yes, Spencer, I love you too."

"Shut it man."

"Hey hey now, whats got your jeans in a bunch?"

I sighed, Leslie didn't deserve a BF from me, I couldn't help it though, when my thinking time is interrupted, I get cranky.

"Nothing, you just caught me-"

"It's a girl!! What happened this time Lancelot?"

"It's not a girl Leslie, what makes you-"

"Cause you get this whole 'boo-hoo no one loves me' tone and you sigh like every other word."

I stifle a sigh that was on my lips just as she said that and picked my drink up, taking a fast sip.

"She was at this party and..."

"AHA!! I KNEW it!!"

"Shush, you wanna hear the story or not?"

"Shushing, tell away, Sir Spencer."

I glared, just cause I'm gay does not mean I'm transgendered too.

"She was at that party that you didn't come with me to last night, and some guy was roughing up a girl so I drove him off, she was totally hammered, I drove her to a parking lot and we... well she... it was an amazing kiss man."

"Wait...Why were you in a parking lot?"

"SHUSH!!"

I hear laughter on the line and only sink further into my recliner.

"Just messing Spency, come on, it's not like you to get shaken up by just one kiss. I mean sure you haven't had any in a while but-"

"Leslie you are so close to dying, I am not kidding. And it wasn't the kiss itself, I mean that was amazing, best kiss I think I've ever had, but the point is, it just... it felt right, you know?"

"Nah not really, but I guess that's cool, what's this mystery kisser's name?"

I smile, I can still hear her voice ringing in my ears, telling me her name.

"Ashley."

"Hm, that's a nice name. Where's she live?"

"Dunno, I dropped her off at a friends house, she's got some scary ass friends haha, some crazy latina who looked like she wanted to eat my soul."

"You got a number?"

"Nope, but she's got mine. I'm waiting for her to call."

"Pssh, fat chance man, you really need to stop the whole 'I believe in miracles' bit, it never happens, I mean hell, you've got a better chance of magically turning straight then having that girl call you back."

"Oh yeah? Well-"

_Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz_. I startle slightly, taking the phone from my face to see another incoming call from a private number, my heart picks up again.

"I think I just proved you wrong, jackass, call you later."

"Hey!! Bros before-"

_Click_. That's right, I have no respect for the bros before hos rule. I hit the "accept" button and hold a shaky hand up to my face.

"Hello?"

There's a pause, and I wonder if it's just Leslie pulling my leg, I will murder that girl I swear to-

"_Umm hi, is this uh...Spencer?"_

My heart stops, the way she says my name, definitely Ashley.

"Yeah, who's this?"

"_It's um...It's Ashley, from the party, remember?"_

I'm tempted to shout in the phone "You ho!! I've been waiting all afternoon for you!!" But I keep my reserve.

"Yeah! Um yeah, how're you?"

"_I'm alright, tired and all, but I'm ok, you?"_

"Amazing right now."

"_Oh, that's good..."_

She trails off and we're left in an awkward silence. I wrack my brain for something to say, but I'm just coming up with questions like "how's the weather?" or even worse... "how about those lakers?" So I decide to keep my mouth shut.

"_Umm, so listen, thank you, for last night you know, everything you did for me and getting me home safe, that was really nice of you."_

"No big deal at all, I didn't mind a bit. You alright? Any bruising or anything like that from the jerkoff?"

I hear her laugh and I have to smile at it, its a very cute laugh you know.

"_Just a little bit on my shoulders, nothing really bad, it would've been worse if you hadn't of helped."_

"Nah, I'm just you're friendly neighborhood dyke in shining armor."

I hear her hiccup as soon as the word 'dyke' is said, and I bite my lip, that might've been pushing it Spence...

_"So yeah, listen, if I remember right from last night we kinda... I kinda... well we..."_

"We kissed."

I hear a "shit!!" come at a distance from the phone and bite my lip harder, not really the reaction I was searching for.

"_Why would you kiss a drunk girl? I mean I'm thankful and all, but that's just-"_

"Whoa whoa there kiddo, you're saying I forced you to kiss me? I'm sorry to burst you're straight bubble but you're the one who pulled me in for it, I wouldn't have done a thing to you drunk if you hadn't pulled me in like that."

"_Why on earth would I have kissed someone like you?"_

WHOA. Jeez man, kill a girls pride.

"_No wait, what I meant is just... it was a mistake ok? I'm straight. I'm straight straight straight straight. I was just drunk and I'm sorry."_

"Yeah, whatever man, if you're expecting an apology from me, you're not getting one, and just so you know, for a mistake kiss, you kissed me back pretty damn hard."

I hit the "end call" button to the sound of distant protests, chucking it across the room and denting the wall across from me.

"FUCK!!"

I stuffed a giant piece of pizza in my mouth, hoping the cold goodness of it might choke me and kill me, but I know I'm not lucky enough to leave this cruel world of rejection behind yet, I do after all still have 2 more years of high school to finish before life really gets shitty.

A/N: There you go, ooooo Tila Tequila will be on soon, is it just me, or was Dani like, the best person to EVER be on Tila, I don't know, I think it's cause I found a kindred butch soul. Ah well, read n review, peace n love.


	4. Somewhere A Clock is Ticking

A/N: Man, I was laughing my ass off at Tila. Serves that faker right lmao, and damn, is it just me or does her face like warp when she cries? I dunno, its a trick of the light on that fake ass plastic body she has. Anywhos, she deserved it and I was laughing hysterically, can someone say "TILA SEASON 3!!!!!!"? I bet they've already started filming, and the women will just get uglier DX. Anyways, thank you to all my reviewers and they're opinions on Dani and Tila lol, hope you enjoy the chap. Oh, and happy two months to my amazing gf, I love you so much. :)

_No I don't even know you're name, it doesn't matter._

_You're my experimental game, just, human nature._

_It's not what good girls do,_

_Not how they should behave._

_My head gets so confused, hard to obey._

"_Yeah, whatever man, if you're expecting an apology from me, you're not getting one, and just so you know, for a mistake kiss, you kissed me back pretty damn hard."_

"But I, Spencer-"

_Click._

"FUCK!!!"

I throw my phone across the room, crossing my arms and glaring at my wall. Wait... Why am I getting so mad? Just some dyke who took advantage of a drunk me. Yeah...that's all she is. Whatever, her wardrobe could use a serious overhaul, and her attitudes almost as bad as mine. But that tone she used when yelling was kinda sexy... NO. You're straight. End of story. There never was a story. Just a girl. A girl I'll never see again. Just breath Ashley, its fine. I hear the doorbell chime from downstairs and pull myself up, thinking its Madison or maybe Sheri, I like Sheri, she's nice, not trying to sex up my boyfriend in front of me. Oh wow, speaking of which... I open the door and see a sad and dejected looking Aiden with his puppy dog eyes on, and a bouquet of white Roses, he knows their my favorites. He holds them up with a sheepish smile, and my stomach churns, making me feel like I was gonna puke.

"What do you want."

He gets on his knees and I hold a hand to my face, God I so do not feel like his theatrics right now.

"Oh Ashy-Bear, please, take me back, I'm sorry about last night, I was just buzzed and its all my fault, I'm sorry. Take me back?"

I bit my bottom lip, my tongue passing over the small dent still left there from her. That small mark that I knew even after it faded, it'd still always be a permanent mark on me. I shook my head violently, expelling those thoughts and intent on getting her out of my mind by the only way I knew how. I grabbed Aiden's collar and pulled him up and onto my lips. He drops my flowers and his hands grab roughly onto my hips, his massive tongue almost choking me. I want to push him away and run, but this made me happy several days ago, and I'm sure it'll be enough now. He trails his mouth down to my neck, and I can't help an involuntary sharp gasp, he knows that turns me into putty. He bites harder and maneuvers me into the house, closing the door and making his way to the couch.

Several hours later finds me in my bed, Aiden dead asleep next to me, his arm draped over my stomach and snoring loudly in my ear. I feel dirty right now, I don't know how to explain it, like I need to take a week long shower to get something off of me. I don't know what on earth I'd wash off (besides my skin from a 1 week shower come on now), but I really want to take the longest shower in the history of showers. But I know the second I move, Aiden will be up, and at the mention of a shower... I don't even want to follow that train of thought. Don't get me wrong, having sex with Aidens great and all, I mean, he's got the body of a god and he's a sweet guy, but suddenly the sex's lost all its fun. He wants to get married. We're juniors and he wants to get married, he proposed to me last month. I'd been so stunned I hadn't said anything, and him being Aiden, he thought the speechless agape mouth was code for "why yes, I'd love to spend my life with you", and now I find myself looking at the expensive ring he bought for me. The idea never really bothered me, I think in my head I just know I'll break it off before we get to marriage point, but now the sight of that ring repulses me, and I want to scream at the mere thought of having to wake up next to him for the rest of my life.

Aiden shifts onto his back, his arms carrying me over to lie on his chest, his breathes washing over my face, smelling like mint and his Ralph Lauren cologne I bought for him. His breathing carries me up and down in time with it and I rest my head in the crook of his neck, sighing just once before falling asleep.

"Ash, come on, time for school."

My eyes pop open and I'm by myself in my bed again, the covers drawn around me, my roses lying on the pillow beside me. I look up to see Kyla poking her head into my room.

"C'mon sleeping beauty, school in a half an hour."

I groan and slowly drag myself up, going through my morning routine of a quick shower, fast breakfast, and faster run to the car to catch Kyla in time, that girl is a speed demon in our LandRover, bad combo let me tell you. We arrive just as the first bell rings, and I sigh as I hop out of our car, waving to Kyla and walking off to my first class, CP English with Mr. Q. I stroll in as soon as the late bell rings and take my seat in between Madison and Aiden. I can feel a tap on my right shoulder from Madison's perfectly manicured demon claws, and a warm giant hand on my left shoulder, causing me to flinch slightly, the bruises still slightly tender. I plaster on a smile and lean back in my chair.

"Hey guys, how're you both today?"

I get "good's" across the board and smile and nod, tuning out our teacher as he begins to talk about some book or another. I look to my right and see Madison motioning me over, so I scootch my chair quietly to her side till our desks are kissing.

"So girl, tell me, you work it out with Aiden or what?"

I feel the urge to rip out her hair again, she's just waiting to swoop in on Aiden and have her way with him.

"Yeah, he stayed over last night, we're fine. You know we never stay mad at each other for long."

I see the malicious smile drop and give myself a pat on the back. Ashley 1, Homewrecker 0.

"Oh...that's great, it really is, glad to know the lovers in paradise are still goin strong."

She gives me the fakest smile I've ever seen and turns back to face the front. I feel my desk suddenly slide (quite noisely) across the floor, back to Aiden. The teacher doesn't seem to hear and I give Aiden a glare to which he just gives me a small smile and a quick kiss on the cheek.

"So how're you today, babe?"

Inwardly I cringe, I hate nicknames like that. Babe, honey, baby, Ashy Bear, seriously ugh, what are we, five? I brush it off and smile, just as fake as Madison does.

"I'm doing great Aidy, when did you leave this morning?"

"5 or so, I needed to get my morning run and weight session in."

Did I tell you he's got the body of a god? Seriously, they should make monuments to commemorate that piece of work. He smiles at me, leaning in to whisper in my ear.

"You have fun last night?"

I giggle, half faking it. What?

"I always do, did you?"

He grins, what a guy.

"You know it, babe."

I smile and turn back to the front, feeling his hand slip down and intertwine with my hand, giving it a light squeeze and another smile from him. The day melds into one continuous blob of fake smiles and pure teenage bullshit. I find myself at our usual table, surrounded by Aiden's basketball meathead friends and my bimbo and slut cheerleader friends. I swirl a lone french fry through a pool of its own grease, trying vainly to shake my mood, usually I'm happy as can be to be here and making the less popular people miserable, but today, the fun just seemed gone, and my mind elsewhere. Namely, on that damn Spencer. I want to sue for emotional damages. She broke me.

"Ashy? Ashy baby?"

"Hmmm?"

I look up to see the entire table all staring at me as I continue to run a pulpy fry into the plate.

"Madison just said there's a party tonight, wanna go?"

I sigh and roll my eyes, I wanted nothing to do with another party.

"Where it at?"

"Some beach town south of here, like Huntington Beach or something. Sounds like fun though, we should go."

Haha no. I almost open my mouth to say it but I'm swooped up in a bear hug, being crushed by a giant outward force and picked up before set back down.

"Great, I'll pick you up at 5 Ashy Bear, see ya."

I sigh and huff, stretching my arms, feeling them crack from just being relocated by Aiden's hug. He seriously should tone down on the steroids sometimes. I get up without another word and grab my stuff, slinking off to my car, not in the mood to finish off the day of school. I send Kyla a text that I'm taking the car and to bum a ride, gunning out of the parking lot and cruising back to our house. I enter the giant house to find it...empty. As always, very, very, very empty. It always is. With the divorce still getting worked out, dad's at his friends house and mom's off either working or playing with new man candy. Charming family life eh? I march to my room and collapse on my bed, still unmade from this morning and still smelling like Aiden and sweat from last night. The smell makes me want to puke, and I nearly do, but I save myself by concentrating on the ceiling.

"Ashy bearrrr."

I groggily wake up, having issues lifting my suddenly too heavy head.

"Hey there sweetie, you fell asleep. Time to go partyyy."

He grinned at me and I could feel my stomach sink. Ok Ash, now or never.

"Um, Aidy, listen, I don't think I wanna go."

His face drops and he sits down next to me.

"What's up Ashy-Bear?"

I fake a smile, shaking my head.

"Nothing Aidey, I just don't feel so good, you know?"

He nods and gently pushes me back.

"Ok Ashy Bear, Madison and the gang are waiting so I can't keep em' you gonna be ok on you're own?"

I nod and pull the covers up to my chin. He leans over and kisses my forehead.

"Ok, shnookums, feel better soon, call if you need me."

I smiled as he left and finally sighed as I heard the door slam closed below me. Thank God. I dive over to my bed and grab my cell phone, flipping it open and scrolling down to a name and a number, contemplating the green 'call' button and what it would mean to press it.

A/N: This chapter was essentially useless. Yayyyyyyy me and useless writing :) R&R my uselessness.


	5. Hustler

A/N: Sorry bout the update delay, girlfriend broke up with me the 4th, came out to her parents the 6th and told them about us (why, i do not know) and is under house arrest and is getting sent to nebraska for 2 weeks, and i know that even a friendship with her is out of the question. I seem to be falling for my ex again, and as much as I know I should say no, it just feels too right to say anything but yes to. Oh, and im working as well, trying to update regularly. --enjoy--

_I kissed a girl and I liked it,  
The taste of her cherry chapstick._

_I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don't mind it._

I awoke to nothing but an empty house and an alarm clock, groaning at the hellish hour that the clock face showed, 6 in the morning. The demon hour I think. It's evil. Pure evil. I actually might have hissed at the clock as I drag my too heavy body from my bed, drudging to the bathroom to take a fast shower, still trying to vainly clean out the emotions left over by that bitch Ashley. She knows how to fuck with a girl, I'll tell ya. But, it's good to know my hopes weren't up too high before she dashed them on the rocks, the key to any relationship is to stay detached and aloof for it, try not to let the person grow on you, cause the second you do, they leave, and the attachment you had just ends up turning into a stinging gash in you're side. I know what you're thinking. "Gee, Spence, bitter much?" You're goddamn right I am. I'm a sucker for girls and I give em' the world, they still just leave me in the end. I'm used to it by now. I mean hey, a couple of horrific breakups can really make you stop caring about steady and real relationships.

I hear a distant buzzing and know its Leslie calling me to make sure I'm actually up and not still passed out. What can I say, I love sleeping. It's what I do best. I run to the phone and pick it up.

"Yessss?"

"Hey there, its my Lancelot, how'd it go?"

"It didn't."

"Oh...what happened?"

"Just drop it, seriously, don't fucking care."

"Alright alright, its alright Spence, just a girl, right?"

"Yeah, fucking right."

I slam the phone closed and jam it in my pocket, grabbing my keys and my helmet on the way out. I hit the button to the garage door and take the cover off my baby. Now don't get me wrong, I love my truck, its a gas guzzling monster and he's my boy. But my baby? My baby is slim and fast and I love her much more then my big guy. (shh don't tell him though) My baby is 333 pounds of mechanical perfection. She's a Kawasaki Ninja, and can cap at about 110 miles, I was driving around in my truck and she caught my eye, I used mom's credit card, and the best part was, she didn't even care enough to figure out why her card had been charged 3500 dollars. She had to physically go to the garage to find out I bought it, and even then she didn't care. I love how apathetic she is towards my life. I shoulder my backpack, slip on my helmet, straddle the bike, kick it into gear, and I'm off towards another fun filled day of school and boringness.

The ride there isn't too bad, but we certainly have our share of world class jackass's, I'll tell you, they suck at driving. But, I make it in one piece, and pull up to my usual spot, sandwiched in between two luxury sports cars, and power down, swinging off to start another day at the fabulous Edison High School. I make it in time for my customary muffin (I'm a muffin fiend) and take my place by a tree in the quad, munching happily away on my muffin.

"Hey there, loverboy."

I look up to see a pack of jockstraps with their bimbotic (and not very attractive) cheerleaders strut past me, everyone laughing at the nickname.

"Hey there Louis, how're those herpes treating you? I heard they get spread easily with skin to skin contact in locker-rooms."

I see him flush, and I give myself a thumbs up as I see the girl clinging to his arm move slightly away from him. He stops in front of me, and I mentally dare him to get in my face, I'm so not in the mood.

"Whatever, dyke."

Everyone cracks up like they've never heard that one before. They strut off and I yell after them;

"Nice one!! I haven't heard that one in about 15 hours!!"

"Hey hey, Louis get in you're face some more?"

I roll my eyes as Leslie sits next to me by my tree outpost. We watch the mass of students pass around us, laughing and smiling like life is just one big party. Pfft, their all delusional.

"You seem in a great mood today Spence, she really get to you that bad?"

I sigh, opting to dive back into my muffin.

"You can't hide in you're muffiny goodness forever Spencey, gotta talk about it sometime."

I shake my head, still munching away.

"No I don't, I'll just ignore it like I do everything else."

I feel her warm hand settle on my knee, and I inch slightly back. I don't want an analysis, I just want to forget.

"Alright, alright, I'll leave you alone, I'm sorry Spencer, but what do you want me to say? You just take rejection way too hard. She was a drunk girl who wanted to try the other team, don't take it personally."

I wave her off just like I wave everything else off, I don't want to hear it quite honestly. She's right, of course she is, but I just don't care what's right and wrong anymore, I just care about my muffin. I shall name him Roger. Yeah, when I'm hurt my mind tends to stretch in all sorts of directions to compensate, no need to tell me I'm insane, I already know. I finish by the time tutorial ends, I should've gone to Ms. Warren's class to see what I can do to get my dying Algebra 2 grade up but I don't really care at this point, I'll just bomb another test and then get back on track. The rest of the day blends into one giant blob, and even my odd day schedule doesn't cheer me up much, English, AP Bio, and Photo, usually their my pick-me-up classes, but they don't do much to my mood today. I'm messing around with the lens cap on my Nikon when I hear a 'thunk' on the stool next to me. I don't even bother to look up to know its Buttercup, my go to man. Don't ask about the Buttercup bit, its either Buttercup, Studmuffin, or the Muffin Man. I love my Buttercup regardless.

"Hey Buttercup, what's shakin?"

"Nothing, I was developing some pictures of the trees when I noticed a sighing and moping girl sitting there screwing around with her lens cap."

I snort at the phrasing and look up to see his warm brown eyes on me. He's probably my favorite guy in the whole world, and if I were straight, I'd be after him like mad. He's the smartest guy you'll ever meet, and he's already planning on running for president and winning by the time he's 37. The great thing about him is where I'm impulsive and go on my gut feeling, he's calm and logical, taking the numbers approach to problems, and he always gets the same solution I do, but with a lot less work, and a lot less tears. He's like my buddha, but not chubby and bald.

"It's nothin' Buttercup, just some more of the same crap."

He nods his head and takes the poor Nikon out of my reach, firmly placing the cap back on and setting it away from us.

"Some more girl troubles?"

I shrug, wishing I had another muffin.

"It can't even be qualified as a girl problem, that's how meaningless it is and how big of a deal I'm making it."

He slowly nods again, closing his eyes as I see a matrix framework begin to go into motion in his head. He was switching into his "talk Spencer through another problem" mode. Did I mention how much I love this kid?

"What happened?"

"Saved a drunk girl from a drunk boyfriend, ended up in my car trying to talk her down, and next thing I know 'bam!' best kiss of my life and she passes out. I give her my number and get her somewhere safe, she calls and like shoots me down man."

He leans back slightly, tapping his knuckles on the steel work table in front of us, and I bite my lip, really wishing I had a muffin.

"Best kiss of your life eh?"

I shrug and nod, looking down at the patterns I accidentally drew onto the table with a sharpie. Hearts and squiggles really.

"So what's stopping you from following it up?"

He's looking at me critically and I can see that massive brain of his doing flips and turns inside his head. I bite down harder on my lip, he can analyze me far too quickly to be normal.

"She was drunk, and she already told me what she thought about me and it, the kiss you know."

He shrugs and spins around, facing the rest of the class, quietly doing nothing.

"That hasn't stopped you before, remember Amber?"

My eyebrows rise and I nod, a smile creeping onto my face.

"Or maybe... Kristen?"

A bigger smile.

"Oh, and my favorite by far, Dillan?"

By now I'm cracking up, my memories of those girls streaming in my head, and Buttercup soon joins in, and before long we're pounding on the table and in tears at laughing so hard. We finally subside, giggles still dormant in my tummy as I catch my breath. Buttercup claps my back and slides from the stool.

"Who knows, maybe she'll be like them, or maybe she's the one you've been hunting for for the last 3 years."

I have to smile as I take in Buttercup, if there was ever a manlier man, I'd like to see who he is, because in my mind, Buttercup is the epitome of all that is manly and awesome, and I love him so much. He gives me a grin before walking back to his seat with the techies, the bell ringing soon after. I can't help the smile on my face, even though I still feel bad and like an idiot, Buttercup still manages to get me to smile. He's magical like that, my Buttercup is.

"Hey there, in a better mood today Ms. Grumpy Gills?"

I laugh at the nickname, me and Leslie love Finding Nemo. It's so cute!

"Better, Buttercup cheered me up."

She sighed dreamily and I had to stifle a laugh, she was so into Buttercup it was hilarious, they didn't talk much, but she ogled at him like I ogle at Jessica Alba in Sin City, I mean hello, Jessica Alba on a stripper pole in leather, ogle-city my friends. Anyways, she's into him, bottom line. It's really cute cause I think they'd be good together, they're exact opposites, but they could fit. But, Buttercup's far too analytical for anything like that. Ah well, I'll violently shove them together one of these days, its on my to do list. At the top was Ashley. Well not that I wanted 'to do' her...oh whatever, you know what I mean!

"So...there's a party tonight."

I perk up. Party?

"Oh yeah? Where at?"

I try to sound disinterested, and fail miserably, Leslie notices and shakes her head, smiling.

"Don't get your hopes up too high now Lancelot, it starts at 8, ends whenever, its over at that one guys house... um George or something."

"You mean Konnor?"

"Yeah!"

I pause, how'd she get George from Konnor...? Oh nevermind.

"Ok, I'm in."

She laughs and pats my back.

"Of course you are, you're Lancelot, remember?"

She walks away and leaves me contemplating the sidewalk for a while. A hand wraps itself around my waist and I'm startled out of my semi-thoughts, turning to see who the owner of the arm is. Ari. I sigh, stepping away from the arm.

"Hi, Ari. Whats up?"

She smiles at me in a seductive way and I have to suppress a disgusted sigh. She's very "friendly" shall we say. I mean she's nice and all, really nice actually, but seriously, I told her I wasn't interested.

"Nothing, how bout you sexy?"

I frown at the nickname, no one calls me that. No one.

"Nothing, umm, listen I've got to go, so, it was nice talking and all."

I fake a smile and power walk away, hoping to escape her whirlpool of seduction. I get to my bike and straddle it, Ari still kind of trailing behind as I peel out of the parking lot and to my house. I arrive to find...nothing, as usual. I like it that way. I stroll into my empty house and fire up the Bose system in the living room, feeding loud techno through all the speakers in the house, 4 in every room, 6 in mine. I slip into my boxers and a loose shirt, not sure what to do with myself. So, I do what any other bored girl my age would do. Fire up the Xbox. That's right, I game, and I'm damn good too. I prefer Halo 3 to any other online game, and I settle into my Lay-Z-Boy chair in front of our giant screen tv, getting onto my favorite server and firing up the teamspeak. I spend the next 4 hours pwning noobs, and I take pleasure in the pwnage, because nothing makes a day good like hearing whiny pre-pubescent boys scream "noooooo!" into the headset as I do a perfect headshot with a plasma cannon.

Before I know it, its a half an hour to the party and I've done my daily noob butchering for the day. I take a fast shower and I find myself slightly excited at the prospect of the party. My hopes were soaring, but I wouldn't admit that to anyone. I opt to take my truck in case its a repeat of last time, and make it clear across town in record time. I pull up to find the street jampacked, and the house visibly shaking from the bass running it through it, like some pulse of a giant sleeping beast. I spend the general gist of the party in a remote corner, positioned to face the rest of the writhing mass of people before me, and make my rounds searching for the elusive girl that blew my mind then left.

"Hey girl heyyyy!!"

I look to my side, slightly annoyed at the interruption to see a tipsy Leslie beside me. Tipsy Leslie is a flirty Leslie, where's Buttercup... As if on cue, Buttercup emerges from the crowd, and I'm surprised to see him here of all places, he never comes to parties. Ooo I have ideas...

"Buttercup! There you are, Leslie was just talking about you here."

The sentence makes Buttercups eyes widen and his hands drop to his sides while Leslie suddenly un-tipsyfies and glares at me.

"Really now? Nothing bad I hope."

He's smiling at us both and I grin myself. Go Spencer, go. I shove Leslie to Buttercup.

"Go on and have fun kids, I've got a girl to find."

I leave a flushed and smiley Buttercup with a stuttering and absolutely livid Leslie, patting myself on the back and resuming my watch from a different corner. All is going well when I spot them. Or should I say him. Oh dear. I duck my head down and flip my hood up, searching for the door, only to have a hand turn my shoulder rather roughly and drive me into a wall. I look up timidly to see the hulk, but no damsel in distress. She's not here...

"Hey there, its the dyke that tweaked my arm, I can't do my freethrows right now cause of you."

I put on my brave face, suddenly desperately wishing that Buttercup and Leslie were here.

"Aw, did you lose your big game cause of me?"

He laughs loudly and before I know it, the winds knocked right the hell out of me and I'm doubled over. I didn't see that one coming. He grabs my shoulders and pushes me back up against the wall.

"Do you know what we do to girls like you at our school, dykey?"

It takes a full minute or two to actually get breath into my body enough to speak, and even then I have issues with it.

"No, what?"

He smirks and brings me down again, his knee meeting my stomach this time. Hard. Lucky for me I tensed my stomach or else we'd be talking rib bruising, and that hurts like a bitch. Despite the tensing, it still hurt, like a ton of bricks getting slammed into you full force.

"That's what we do, dykey. Want some more? Feel good don't it."

I can't enough choke out a word before I'm slammed back into a wall with a fist smashing into my right cheek, and another knee to the stomach. Unfortunately I didn't tense for that one, and I think I felt a cracking the stomach region. The pain blindsides me like a train and I'm down for the count. Yeah, I'm a black belt, but that doesn't mean I'm flippin Superman here, I just got wasted by a guy who can probably bench-press my weight and then some. Everything's almost black, fading in and out, and I feel a size 11 Nike slam right into my rib cage, and I definitely felt and heard that crack. I hear a shout, a distant one because everythings going hazy now, but it sounds like Buttercup's voice. Maybe, I don't know. I can't feel my fingers or my toes...is that bad? Everything is kinda... fading, I feel floaty... and sleepy...

A/N: Sorry if this got a little off track, I was ripping into this bitch who dumped my friend then rubs the fact that she's got girls hitting on her in her face. I mean jeez I'm a reasonable kid but that just pisses me off, now im all riled up, hope you enjoyed the chappy and stuff.


	6. The Sound of San Francisco

A/N: Sorry bout the delay, some stuff happened and my delicate writing pathos is easily disturbed. Anywhos, thanks to Arkham Patient (HPL inspired name perhaps?) You're talking to a 1st degree black belt who hasn't trained in close to 7 years now, I'm just a geek now who still knows how to break an arm or get a knife out of someones hand, so I can't remember what to do in the event of a 200 pound man dropkicking you and whatnot. --enjoy--

_It felt so wrong,_

_It felt so right,_

_Don't mean I'm in love tonight.  
I kissed a girl and I liked it,_

_I liked it._

I awoke by alarm clock to find a slumbering Aiden passed out beside me, his arm carelessly thrown over my body, he himself reeking of alcohol and pot. I yawn and roll over, sliding out of his embrace and off the bed. I look down to him to see his knuckles bruised, and sporting a black eye and a bloody nose, his white t shirt spattered with blood. I'm mildly alarmed, recalling Spencer suddenly, and my stomach suddenly sinks, the urge to puke stealing upon me. He stirs suddenly, his eyes crack open, clouded over with alcohol, pot, and sleep. He smiles tiredly.

"Hey baby...how're you?"

I say nothing, just take in his body. He shifts over and his shirt rides up, bruises littering his body. The urge to puke becomes stronger, my mind has already come up with a general idea.

"Aiden...what happened?"

He shrugs and winces at the movement, turning over onto his back slowly.

"Eh nothin', that dyke whatserface was at the party and I decided to repay the favor. That bitch can take a beating."

He laughs loudly and my legs turn to jelly underneath me as I desperately grope for a chair to sit on, I crash onto my desk chair, tears biting at my eyes.

"But one of her dyke friends and some guy came outta nowhere and totally side-tackled me, I beat them off and got outta there though."

He's still smiling and I feel sick to my stomach and a very odd urge to scratch his eyes out. I try to explain the feeling away by just passing it off as my aversion to all violence, but it doesn't work, and the more I think about it, the more furious I get. I can't do this. I stand up suddenly, probably looking much more sure of myself then I really am. Aiden looks up at me, good humor still in his eyes.

"What's up babe?"

"Get out."

I speak it quietly, afraid if I speak any louder that my voice will crack, giving me away. His eyes are still sparkling with sick humor and I feel sicker and sicker the longer I look at him.

"That's a good one, come on, come make your man feel better, I could do for a massage."

That just about does it, the imaginary wire in my head fraying with every word out of his idiotic mouth, on the verge of snapping altogether. I raise my hand and point it to the door.

"I said out. Now."

He turns to regard me this time, and I can see he's struggling with what I mean exactly.

"Babe, come on, that's only funny the first time, now c'mere and give me a massage."

I shake my head, and I can feel my hands clench into fists. He sees this and stands up slowly, hobbling over to me. I know what he's gonna try.

"Baby, it's just a dyke, and she hurt me, shouldn't you be glad I slammed her?"

He wraps his arms around me and I see his bruised and purple face come towards me in slow motion, his lips puckered up in an almost comically ugly face, and before I can stop myself, one of my fists flies out and catches him right in the cheek, sending him spinning back from me. He whirls to face me, and I suddenly realize the utter foolishness of that move. I suddenly find myself wishing that Kyla was here, or someone, anyone. As if it was a gift from sweet baby jesus, Kyla bursts into my room.

"Hey guys!!-"

Her face drops as she takes in the scene before her. She looks to me and I flash her my pleading sister eye look, and she snaps into action. Her face becomes a furious look, and I can see Aiden draw back, a pissed Kyla is a very scary Kyla, and she has acrylic nails, NOT a good combination.

"I want you out Aiden, I want you out now, I have acrylic nails, do not mess with me."

See? Told you, she's dangerous and she knows it. Aiden gives me his "lets say we're sorry and have make up sex at my house" look. I hate that look. I shake my head and step behind Kyla. His shoulders slump forward and he limps out of the room, the front door opening and slamming shut a few minutes later. As soon as the the slam hits me, I break down and collapse right on my floor, bawling hysterically, leaving Kyla looking at me like I'd sprouted an extra head and another set of arms. She knows not to ask questions, and I feel her quiet presence leave after a few minutes. The sobs comes to an eventual stop and I sniffle as I stand up, clawing tears away from my face and taking deep breathes. This is all my fault isn't it? I think it is. I know it is. Oh my god... I'm a bad person!! I dive for my phone on my night-stand, frantically searching through names, and almost crying again when I discover that I actually deleted her number from my phone.

I'm close to breaking down again, but save myself the tears, finding her number on "dialed numbers". My hands are shaking as I press the 'call' button, and I hear a ringback tone, some sort of loud techno beating into my ear. The phone continues to ring, and I feel the urge to cry again until a person picks up. A girl. I feel slightly jealous but I put that out of my mind.

"Hello? Anyone there?"

"Yes! Yes, is Spencer there?"

I hear talking in the background, my teeth beginning to chew my bottom lip to shreds.

"She just fell asleep actually, pain killers just got to her. Who is this?"

I hesitate slightly, afraid of what to say.

"Umm... it's uh... it's Ashley?"

I hear a muttered "oh great." My eyebrows scrunch, what is _that_ supposed to mean? And who is this girl anyway?

"Well Spence is sleepin, you can come down and see her if you like, we're at Hoag Hospital down on Beach, room like..."

I hear the words "buttercup!" and "room?"

"Uhh room 32B. Yeah I heard you Buttercup!!"

"Thank you so much."

"Yeah, no problem. Ow! Don't pinch me Eric!!"

The phone clicks off to giggling and I have to shake my head. Spencer has some interesting friends. My brain begins to work clearly again, and I quickly change clothes and sprint to my Porsche. What? I have oodles of cash, don't judge, and speed off towards PCH which eventually hits Beach, the ride gives me time to mull over what exactly I was going to say, granted she was even awake. Or alive...

"No!!"

I startle myself with my own voice, shaking my head and trying to concentrate on the road. She was fine. _No she's not, Aiden benches like twice your weight on a daily basis._ I hiss at my mind to shut up, trying to stay positive. Aiden wouldn't hurt anyone. Not sober anyway. And he was drunk, I know he was.

"Shit!!"

Eventually, (and all too soon I might add), I find the giant hospital, beating out an old lady for a parking spot and keeping my maelstrom of emotions under control long enough to get into the hospital and stride past the nurse, into the elevator, and after 10 minutes of frantic searching, finally found room 32B, in the intensive care wing. My hands are shaking badly and my legs feel like jelly, and I have to actually talk myself into reaching for the doorknob and turning it, walking into a stark white room, with a bed in the center, and several chairs next to the bed, 2 of which were occupied. One was inhabited by a skinny girl in an oversized hoody, her legs stretched out onto the lap of a boy, his head rolled back and snoring loudly, his hands resting on the legs of the girl. It was a cute scene, snoring aside.

I finally manage to turn my head (feeling very large on my neck) to look at the occupant in the bed. She's in one of those nasty looking green shirts that are standard issue, her heartbeat, her _life_ beating out beep by beep, making it hard to listen to it long. I swallowed hard and took a look at her face. Her face was...

"Hey!!"

I whirl around, almost tripping over my own feet, stumbling a few steps backwards. I look up to see the skinny girl and snoring guy both awake, shaking the sleep from their faces. The skinny girl turns and stands up, coming within inches of my face, her eyes squinty as she looks at me. I squirm slightly. This is kinda...

"Hey! I'm Leslie, Spencer's friend, that snoring guy is Buttercup."

The guy bows his head and coughs before standing up. He stands beside Leslie, taking me in as well, but not as harshly, his warm brown eyes reflecting the light, a small smile on his face. He extends a warm hand which I shake gently.

"You can call me Eric if you like, so you're Ashley eh, very nice to meet you."

I smile and withdraw my hand, still slightly perplexed at how everyone seems to know me. I hear a loud yawn from behind both of them, and we all turn to look at Spencer, her eyes half lidded with sleep, her mouth working the sleep out of it.

"Hey guys, what's happening?"

Her normally raspy voice is even lower, and she's speaking slower, like she's trying to remember to talk.

"Hey! Well um... Me and Buttercup are gonna go scrounge up some food, want anything Spencie?"

I see Spencer roll her eyes and wave them off.

"Yeah, some with chocolate, I'm having mad cravings. Oh wait!! A muffin!"

Leslie gives her a thumbs up and me a reassuring pat, Buttercup flashing me a smile before shuffling off after Leslie, giggling floating down the hall behind them. I look back to Spencer, her eyes wide as she looks at me, her mouth slightly agape.

"Ummm... hi?"

She exhales a heavy breath and settles back against the pillows.

"Hey. What're you here for."

Her voice lacked the caring tone I'd experienced before, and it stung a little, but I did deserve it though didn't I? I walk slowly to the chair, gingerly sitting down, still avoiding Spencer's eyes.

"How're you?"

I finally look up to her face and shrink away slightly. She's sporting a black eye, a cotton stuffed nose, and a split lip which looks like it really hurt. Her one good eye is giving me the "how the fuck do you think I'm doing idiot?"

"Just fine, and you?"

Her tone is cold and I knew it was a mistake coming.

"I'm ok I guess...I'm so sorry Spencer. God I am so sorry, I wasn't with him, and I could've stopped him if I had been there, and this is all my fault, I'm so so sorry."

I feel like crying, but her face finally drops the hard look, and she visibly deflates in front of me. She waves a hand dismissively.

"Yeah whatever, it's cool."

I gape at her. Say what?

"No, it really isn't and I am so-"

"Just come off it man, seriously, wasn't your fault. Might be for picking such an asshole, but it's not your fault he wanted to use me as a punching bag. I'm still alive, that's all that matters really."

"Are you serious?"

Her one eye focuses in on me.

"Yeah, why would I be mad at you?"

Her question stops me cold. She cannot be serious.

"I...Are you serious?"

She looks confused now, her one eye looking at me funny.

"Yeah, why would I...Ohhhhhhhhhhh, you mean that other thing. Oh right, yeah well, can't blame a chick for trying, I'm used to rejection as well as a beating, so don't worry about either. Now where's Leslie with my muffin..."

"You're not mad?"

She sighs and leans back.

"For the fourth time, no, I am not mad. That's life, you get rejected and thrown around just to get back up, that is the beautiful thing called life, so seriously, stop apologizing, you're not helping my ribs by making me re-assure you."

I shut up and look down at the floor. I stand up and take one last look at her.

"I'm sorry to have wasted your time Spencer, I hope you feel better soon."

I quickly walk out of the room and take a left, aiming to make it to the end of the hell where a chair is situated. As soon as my butt hits the cold plastic I curl up and begin to cry. The tears don't stop for more then probably 20 minutes, and I sense no stop coming soon, when a warm hand rests on my shoulder, scaring me and causing me to scream thinly. I look up to see that Butters guy.

"Hey there, doin' alright?"

I sniff and try to fake a smile for him.

"Yeah...yeah, just great."

He smiles and shakes his head, sitting down on the floor next to me.

"You're not very good at lying, I can tell you that much right now."

I force a laugh, though it sounds more like a watery choke and sniff again.

"I heard the conversation, no offense intended, and Spencer talked to me about you actually, and I'm not sure really who you are, where you came from, and what you intend to do with or to Spencer, but I'm letting you know right now, you won't meet a more gentle kid then the one that's hooked up to all those tubes in there."

That starts a new batch of tears and I feel him pat my leg from his spot on the floor.

"From what I understand from Spencer and some other choice friends, it's not easy being different. Gay is different. Very different. To some it's dangerously different. And I can understand that thinking I suppose, it's a natural human instinct after all, what you do not understand you fear. And when I look at you, I see a lot of fear."

His eyes lock onto mine and I can feel him reading me from his spot, flipping through memories and thoughts I kept tucked away in my mind. He smiles at me, and I can see the smile reach all the way into his eyes, and can't help but manage a small smile back at him.

"I'm not saying my gay-dar is foolproof, it's pretty faulty, I mean I didn't know Spence was gay till she came out to me a few years ago, but I'm getting a vibe from you, a different vibe. Maybe a gay vibe, maybe not, maybe it's a totally different vibe unrelated to any of this stuff or this mess we're in, but I sense something in you, and it's good whatever it is. Give Spencer some time, she'll see that too."

He stands up suddenly and gives me another pat before starting off down the hall.

"Buttercup!"

He turns to face me, then walks back to me, staring intently at me.

"Why...why are you doing this? Helping me I mean."

He crosses his arms and gives me another smile, making me feel like there's something he knows that he's not telling me.

"Spence likes you, and any friend of Spencer's is a friend of mine, and I help my friends all I can."

He gives me a small nod and starts back off down the hall, leaving me mystified as I hear the click of the door shut behind him.

--Sorry bout the delay, this chap is useless as well huzzah!! so yeah lifes been shifting. Like a lot. But I'm back to square one again, and I'm rebuilding what I can. Peace.


	7. Annie

A/N: Haha Buttercup says thank you to his fans out there, and he's really like that in real life, I love my Buttercup, one of my favorite people in the world, by far my favorite guy, he's amazing. Anywhos, I've been listening to Vanessa Carlton (I know, i feel like such a girl) but she's amazing, I love the piano work on her songs, very good compositions. So yeah :), thanks to all my reviewers as well, i love reviews, they're like pie, and i do love my pie. I dedicate this chappy to Rawrmundo and KJ lmao, they both inspire me and make me laugh like crazy, I love both you girls (specially you Rawrmundo). Oh and a 5.4 earthquake just happened, trippy :0 –enjoy--

_Us girls we are so magical,_

_Soft skin, red lips, so kissable,_

_Hard to resist, so touchable,_

_Too good to deny it,_

_Ain't no big deal, it's innocent.  
_

I'm not really sure what happened, I was down on the ground, passed out, then in a hospital. Have I told you I hate hospitals? I mean I seriously do, but it's not really the white walls, the icky smell, the nasty doctors or the bitchy nurses, its the _needles_. I hate needles, I cracked my head open when I was 4, long story, and when I was admitted to the hospital, I refused to let them stick needles at me, so the bastard doctors decided to give me shots while I slept. I woke up the entire head trauma wing of the hospital that night. So yeah, hate needles, leave it to the docs to poke me full of needles upon coming into this place. Stupid doctors. But yeah, Buttercup and Leslie have been keeping me company. They finally got together, they're all giggly and touchy feely with each other, it's so cute, even for a straight couple, I have to admit, they're cute and good together. I'm happy for those two, but it still stings a bit, I always get depressed when friends are dating and I'm just left on the side of the road like usual. Oh Ashley...

So apparently after I passed out from the beating of the century, Buttercup came running and tackled Captain Jackass and hurt him but good, and Leslie even kicked him in the balls for me. Bless their little lover's hearts. Then, there's the run in with Ash which happened a few minutes ago. I feel bad. I would've chased after her if I wasn't in the state I'm in. I'm good at chasing girls. Wow that sounded bad... Anyways, I feel like a bitch, she was just trying to apologize, not her fault two ribs fractured and I'm all jacked up on painkillers. Speaking of which, Buttercup returns, his soft all knowing smile on.

"Hey Leslie, can you give me and Spence a few minutes?"

Leslie flashes him a calculating look, but when he gives her a swift kiss (which I look away from, rejection still burns y'know) she quickly obliges, blowing a kiss to me then Buttercup, leaving us alone together. He sits on a chair and scoots forward slightly, leaning back, his hands behind his head. I have to smile at the image before me, I see a man who's got it all figured out and has what he wants out of life, its a good image.

"So what's the diagnosis Doctor Buttercup? Talk to the girl?"

He grins at me and nods, his eyes far away.

"Yup, she's nice, I like her a lot actually. She's just scared, you can see it all over her face."

I nod as he folds his hands sagely in his lap, his mind working in his head.

"So the diagnosis, from one guy who doesn't understand girls to a girl who doesn't understand girls, give her time."

"Think there's a chance, O Great and Mighty Buttercup?"

He smiles at me, a mysterious smile, the one that is gently taunting "I know the secrets of life you would kill to know" and I smile widely as he gets up to go get Leslie back from wherever that girl wandered off to. I'm left with myself for a few minutes, thinking and mulling over ideas, still processing Buttercup's advice, he's a good man. I hear a gentle knock and yell that it's open, still toying with some ideas, looking up expecting to see Buttercup and Leslie (hair probably slightly ruffled, those kids) but I instead find the ever beautiful and elusive Ashley before me. She steps in timidly and closes the door, staying with her back against the wall, looking at me. Did I ever tell you how beautiful she is? I struggle to find something to say, feeling guilt wash over me from earlier. I finally find my voice, wincing as it cracks from all the sleep and pills I've been swallowing.

"So listen...Ashley, umm, I'm really sorry about earlier, I know you were only trying to apologize, and I appreciate it, I'm just a little cranky is all, I haven't had pizza in like 2 days and I miss my Tubbycow Lumpkins."

Her eyebrows scrunch together and I see her try and understand the last part of the sentence. Haha, I love my Tubbycow.

"Who's umm..."

"Tubbycow Lumpkins? He's my baby boy."

She still looks confused, and if I didn't know any better, slightly concerned over the fact I said "baby boy".

"He's my cat."

She bursts out laughing all of a sudden, and I can't help but join in soon after, having no idea why we were laughing, but laughing together nonetheless. She's bent over and holding her stomach, still laughing hard while my ribs begin to pound painfully, but I can't stop the laughter. She struggles to speak between bouts of fresh giggles.

"I thought (insert laughter)... I thought (laugh)... he's your cat!!" (insert gale of laughter.)

What can I say, I make people laugh, its a skill. We finally stop, still breathing hard, and I find tears running down my face, I sniff, trying to stifle more giggles bubbling up, wiping my eyes off. I look up to see Ashley still standing there, smiling at me, her eyes shining with laughter and some tears. She's beautiful, no lie people. I nod to the chair beside me and she walks over, sitting down and relaxing into the chair.

"So Buttercup talked to you I've heard."

She blushes slightly and smiles, looking down at her feet. Awww wow.

"Yeah, he's really nice, he with uh..."

"Leslie. Yeah, with a little help from Matchmaker Spencer, those two are now happily canoodling the days away."

She laughs loudly again, and I find I like the sound of it.

"Canoodling?"

My face falls and I mock glare at her.

"Yes, canoodling. Verb. Meaning to kiss a lot and or make out at a constant rate. Look up your vocabulary kid."

She laughs again, softer though and smiles at me. I can't help but smile back, feeling light, the pain in my ribs and my body in general feeling far away, almost nonexistent. I feel floaty.

"So, Spencer..."

I look up to her, seeing that she's struggling with words. I look over to my left to grab my glass of water and hear a "ooo" from her. I turn back and regard her skeptically.

"You 'ooo'ed at me...?"

She blushes wildly and looks down at her feet and I have to surpress a verbal "awwwww". I reach out and touch her arm gently, causing her to timidly raise her head and look at me, still blushing madly. Picture of perfection, right here in front of me.

"Sorry, you have a tattoo, that's really cool, couldn't help it."

I smile at her, fingers automatically going up to my neck to circle around the design on my neck. It's just behind my right ear, a little heart I got when I went to Venice Beach, that's where I got my lip pierced but that got infected, I have yet to re-attempt piercing there.

"Yeah, I got it last year up in Venice, a friend of a friend does underage piercing and tattoo work, I got my lip pierced but it got nasty n' infected, haha no one wanted to kiss a girl with a swollen lip y'know."

She smiles softly at me again, her blush fading.

"Did it hurt?"

I shrug, thinking back to getting it in a kitchen chair down in a musty basement. In retrospect, it wasn't the smartest idea I'd ever had.

"A little, wasn't a big one though, just think like a bunch of bee stings all at once, then it's done. Hurt about as much as my wrist."

I hold up my left wrist for her and turn it to the inside, showing her my other (and favorite) tattoo, scrawling cursive in black and blue ink, showing my favorite line from AFI, 'Love like winter'. I got it after my last girlfriend dumped me. A year and a half and she just leaves me on our 1 year and 6 month anniversary. I never found out who she left me for. Life sucks, what can I say. I tune back into the real world to see Ashley looking at it carefully, her expression fascinated.

"Why'd you get that one?"

I fake thought, trying to come up with an answer, the truth, or part of the truth...hmm...

"My last girlfriend dumped me after a year and a half, I wanted something to commemorate it."

Her playful smile falls and I lean forward, interested to hear her response.

"I'm sorry that happened, I broke up with Aiden this morning."

I smile before I can stop myself, well thank little baby jesus for that at the very least.

"Good, I didn't like him at all, hurting me aside."

She looks at me curiously.

"How come you didn't like him?"

Before my mouth can even stop the totally soft and sweet compliment in my mind, I spit it out, biting my tongue as soon as it passes from my mouth.

"Well one, cause he's a guy, I don't generally like guys, and two, cause he hurt you, not cool."

If she had been blushing before, her face looked in danger of catching on fire, and I couldn't resist a smile on my part, that's right, I've still got it. She gave me a timid smile, and was about to say something until her phone rang.

"_Hey, hey, you, you, I wanna be your girlfriend! No way way, I think you need a new one-"_

She smiles apologetically, flipping it open and saying a hushed 'hello' into it. I hear some guys voice and try to tune it out, it's not really any of business.

"No, Aiden, I told you, we're done! I don't want to talk about it. No, I'm hanging up now. Don't talk to me like that!!"

She hangs up her phone and sighs loudly and I pretend not to notice. She looks up to me and I can tell she's shaken up by it.

"Doin' ok Ashley?"

She smiles at me, suddenly standing up. I feel disappointment pang through me as I continue to look up at her, suddenly feeling very small and weak.

"Just fine, I should probably leave, mom's gonna be home for a few days, and she always likes to try and impress her new man thing with her 'mom' skills"

I nod, knowing the drill very well. I fake a smile for her as she stretches.

"Thanks for comin' by, I appreciate it."

She smiles at me and suddenly grabs my hand, and I can feel my hand tense up in hers, looking up at her now.

"It's no trouble at all, I had fun. How long are you in here for?"

"Uhh, like another day or two, they took X-Rays and it's just 2 fractures, nothing puncture or moved too badly, I won't be able to do anything for a while, but at least I'll be outta here."

She smiles at me again, taking her hand back, much to my disappointment.

"Well...can I call you maybe? When you get better I don't know... maybe we can hang or something."

I can see the blush on her face, and know that I have a matching one, and an idiot grin as well.

"Sounds great, take it easy, thanks again Ashley."

She smiles, turning to leave, but pausing at the door.

"Hey, my close friends call me Ash, you can call me Ash if you like."

My smile grows larger, hurting my cheeks as I look at her.

"Ok, will do...Ash."

I see her smile and open the door, quietly leaving in the same manner she entered in.

--Haha I got ketchup in my eye, its burning like a flippin bitch, no lie (twitches) anywhos, hope you liked the chap, read n review and all that great stuff (twitches)


	8. Satisfaction: Club Remix

A/N: Haha thank you for the concern over my eye, i was eating mac n cheese and i needed ketchup, so me being an idiot, i open it pointing to my face and voila, i have ketchup in my eyez. Hurt very bad, i dont recommend you try doing that. Ever. :) in other news, that earthquake was scary as hell, couple plates broke in my house and my cats and dogs like went ballistic lmao. So yup, im just kinda thankful that like while I was half blinded by ketchup the roof didnt collapse in and have me like get killed cause im too busy going "ahhhhhgjahgakl my eyes!!" thanks to reviewers –enjoy--

_I kissed a girl,_

_And I liked it,_

_The taste of her cherry chapstick,  
I kissed a girl just to try it,_

_I hope my boyfriend don't mind it._

When I first met Aiden, he smiled at me, sidled over, slung his arm around my shoulders and whispered in my ear;

"Hey baby, are your legs tired? Cause you've been running through my dreams all night."

I giggled madly and fell into his embrace, and the rest they say, is history. I should've just shrugged it off and gone to my friends. Only problem was that I didn't have any friends. Freshman year and the first part of Sophmore year, I was totally alone. I just...didn't fit in. I didn't want to fit in, a Spencer type almost I suppose. I had no wish or want to be popular and well liked by my peers. But Aiden changed that. As soon as I felt his skin on me, that drawled whisper in my ear, the smile that made me feel pretty, well, that changed all of it. Made me suddenly want to be liked by everyone. _Anyone. _He opened my eyes to what I had been for the last 16 years of my life. I had been a loser. But not anymore, he told me, 'you're gonna be giant, just you wait baby', like he was promising me some hit movie deal or a good cd recording contract. But no, he was promising me something better then movie deals or recording contracts, he was promising me a life. A real life, with real friends, real laughs, and a real boyfriend. It was like my wildest dreams had been realized, and I hadn't even realized I'd been dreaming of them. But he knew I had been, knew what I had wanted, and he helped me get it.

The rest of my Sophmore year was pretty good, and the summer after was almost paradise. But then we became upper-classmen. We became even more popular, even more well liked, and that meant we had to become more vicious, more kniving, more ruthless in taking out the losers and freshmen. That also started the partying, the drinking, the experimental drugs, the pot, all of it swelled like a tsunami and washed us all away. I clung desperately to the warnings and common sense that had been given to us in earlier days, and I would always turn down the drugs, experimenting. But never the alcohol. I suppose that's what got me here in the first place. What got me into this entire mess, got me into this entire web of alien feelings and out of body and mind choices. Choices that I thought I'd never make in my lifetime, because that would mean that I wouldn't have a life anymore. Not the life I'd dreamed of. No, the life that I had inadvertently chosen was different, turning into shapes, colors and sizes I had never seen or thought of before ever.

Spencer was the main shaping influence on this new and strange life that was forming in front of me. She was throwing new colors, new things, new ideas, new words, new feelings, new everything into this veritable whirlwind that was storming right towards me, full speed ahead I might add. I'm terrified, not gonna lie. Scared stiff, because I can feel the changes ripping new landscapes inside of me, I can feel things shifting in my mind, in my heart, and the center of this ripping, tearing, and rebuilding was Spencer. She was funny and smart and sweet, and just, really cool, but she scared me. Her openness, what she stands for, what she is, it's terrifying to me. Because she's not like anything I've ever encountered before in my life. At my high school, people hate gays, I mean like, hate crimes, trashing cars, lockers, assaults, anything and everything to those that are out. The smart ones stay hidden, stay out of sight and under the radar. That's what scares me.

"_Hey hey, you you, I don't like your girlfriend. No way, no way, I think you need-"_

I jolted out of my thinking, grabbing my phone and flipping it open, suddenly very tired.

"Hello?"

"Girl!! What happened between you and Aiden?? Don't tell me I heard right!!"

Scratch that, I feel exhausted. I sigh into the mouthpiece and close my eyes, wishing this entire thing out of my life forever.

"Yeah...yeah you heard right, I dumped him."

"Girl why would you do that??"

"He beat up my friend."

"What?? That dyke girl? Girl you missed it, it was amazing! Why would you dump Aiden for that?"

I sigh again, seriously, I really don't even want to think about him ever again if I can help it.

"She's my friend, and she's not a dyke. Her name is Spencer."

"Pssh whatever chica, you're loco to be letting go of that yummy man."

Normally that would have infuriated me to no end, and a cat fight via phone would have certainly ensued, but at this point, I didn't even care what she wanted to d o with him.

"If he's so yummy you go chase after him and fuck him, cause I'm done."

I hang up the phone to a badly covered "yess!!". I fall back onto my bed. It's been four days since I saw Spencer. I told her I'd call her back. Promised even. I let her call me Ash. I lied when I told her that all my close friends call me that, my mom used to call me that when things were good with our family, when she really did love us, love me. I don't let anyone call me that. But I let her call me it. And I love how it sounds, how she says my name, how she looks at me... Oh god what's wrong with me? I flip open my phone and go to the number I already have memorized. I contemplate the picture, just like I have been for the last few days. I've memorized every line of her face, every mark, every freckle, every little scar that she has on her face, is now burned into my mind. I can't help it. I need more. I have to have more. I hit the call button.

"_Push me, and then just touch me, till I can get my, satisfaction, satisfaction, satisfaction, satis-"_

"_Yello, it's Spencer."_

I smile into the mouthpiece, I missed her voice.

"Hey, it's Ashley."

"_Heyy there, I was starting to wonder if you were gonna call me back."_

I blush lightly and begin to pick at the thread unraveling from the bottom of my favorite jeans.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Why didn't you just call me instead?"

"_Cause you'd call me when you were ready to."_

I have to smile at that, I have to smile a lot at that.

"Well, here I am."

I hear a laugh on the other side and a quiet "shush Tubbycow".

"_And here I am. So how've you been for the past 4 days."_

"Just fine, was spending most of it trying to figure out what to say once I called you."

I hear more laughing and can't help but silently yell at myself for saying something so incredibly cheesy to her.

"_Sounds like me debating on what to say to whatever you say to me."_

"You always know what to say, can't fool me there. How're you feeling?"

I hear an "ow get off me Tubbycow!!" in the distance and laugh again.

"_Sorry, Mr. Tubbycow Lumpkins was trying to get comfy on my chest. I feel better, but not so much that I can take a 16 pound cat sitting on my chest and purring and drooling on me."_

I laugh hysterically, where on earth she got that name, Tubbycow Lumpkins, I'll never be able to figure out, but it busts me up everytime I hear it.

"Tubbycow drools?"

"_Why yes he does, when he's happy he drools. Like a human baby, cept I can't take care of a human baby, best I can do is a giant drooling cat."_

I smile, she's so cute I swear.

"Well I'm glad you're doing better, I really am. How's moving?"

"_Not too bad, can't strain myself and I have more trouble then usual avoiding accidents. Plus, I can't drive my truck or my motorcycle, so I'm like stuck here for another week or two till I have to go back to school."_

"I know how you feel, I set next to Aiden for 4 classes, not looking forward to that."

"_Hey listen, if he gives you anymore trouble you let me know alright? I'll be down there with my samurai sword or switchblade and straighten him out."_

I laugh quietly, because a protective Spencer is a cute Spencer, but I can hear the seriousness in her voice, and I know she means it if he messes with him. The fact she cares enough to want to protect me gives me butterflies.

"I'll let you know Spencer. Thanks."

I hear laughing on the other side and quite mewl from what I'm assuming is a drooling and happy Tubbycow Lumpkins.

"_Not a problem at all man. So I'm wondering, when are you planning on offering me that 'hang out' you proposed a few days ago?"_

She's so cheesy, I can't help but smile wider.

"Well that hangout offer is good until the end of the week."

"_Just the end of the week? What if I have some pressing appointment or some other engagement?"_

I laugh again, she has this way with words like no one else I've ever met.

"Ok, ok, 2 weeks then, how's that sound, O Busy One?"

I hear laughter on the other side and more mewling along with another "get off Tubbycow!!"

"_I was just messing with you, silly goose. I'm free whenever really."_

"Today then?"

"_Today sounds great to me."_

I smile widely, quickly get the directions to Spencer's house, and find myself sprinting to my car and gunning away, eager to see what would happen next.

A/N: Sorry bout the delay people, I always have issues writing Ash's chaps, dunno why really. Anywhos, saw dark knight 2 times, planning on at least 7 more times, and was forced into going to the Breaking Dawn release party for my sister, hilarious shit, little girls getting into cat fights and calling me a homo for trying to break up a fight. And now I'm watching the Descent, is it just me, or is the asian character typically bitchy and egotistical, and that the butchish/gay character always die in the most horrific ways? Pssh. Read n review.


	9. Shy That Way ft Jason Mraz

A/N: Sorry bout the break, I've been distracted with AP Biology homework for the test 2nd day of school, went to palm springs, land of gay men and 112 degree desert heat, and my absolutely stunning girlfriend, i miss you a lot and it hasn't even been a day.--enjoy--

_It felt so wrong,_

_It felt so right,_

_Don't mean I'm in love tonight._

_I kissed a girl and I liked it,_

_I liked it._

"_Today then?"_

"Today sounds great."

Instructions were given, and I hung up the phone with the biggest idiot grin I'd ever had on my face. But I mean, can you blame me? Ash was coming here. Oh wait... here?? I look around in dismay and find the house exactly as I had left it, covered with empty soda cans, empty pizza boxes, and clothes I'd scattered here and there during one stage of dress or another. Que major panic, then add on the fact that mobility is severely handicapped, and that Tubbycow will not stop drooling, and you've got me.

"Tubbycow what do we do?!"

He mewls loudly at me and curls up in a ball on my couch. I puff out an exasperated sigh.

"Thanks, Tubbycow...thanks."

Another mewl. I sigh again and glance at the clock, ok, I've got at least another hour and a half, 2 hours if it turns out she has no sense of direction. I pray for the latter, and begin to shuffle around my house, bending down and cursing everytime my ribs shifted in a certain way. Needless to say, I only got the living room, kitchen, and game room cleaned up, leaving the upstairs untouched. The monstrosity that is my room will not even be addressed. I'll have to make sure she stays away from my room then. As if on cue, the doorbell rang, rolling like thunder in my head and causing me to jump, cursing very loudly. I shuffle over to the door, and to my horror, I see that I haven't even changed, I'm still in a dirty peace sign shirt and some boxers.

"SHIT!!"

I clap a hand over my mouth then look around hurriedly, finding nothing. I sigh dejectedly and open the door. Any sigh that was still in my mouth is caught in my throat. Briefly that song, Shy that Way flits through my mind, that one line sticking on repeat, "oh you know you're stunnin', no you're absolutely stunnin." My mind chokes on it and I can feel the line almost drift out of my mouth. I bite my tongue and manage an idiotic smile instead.

"Hey... Ash."

She smiles back at me, and the air gets even stucker in my throat. We stand there awkwardly for a few minutes, but they fall off like years, still leaving me in that same spot, face to face with an absolutely stunning girl. I snap back to reality, realizing that I'm probably creeping her out, staring like a perv, I step aside and motion for her to come in.

"How're you doing?"

She locks eyes with me and I stutter on my reply, suddenly feeling my old stuttering problem resurface after almost 10 years of being gone. I close the door and refocus my mind.

"I'm doing okay (struggle against stutter) feel pretty good, how about you?"

She smiles and nods, taking in the house, her eyes wide.

"I'm doing really good actually, really nice house."

I shrug and act disinterested, but my eyes won't leave her.

"Thanks, it's moms' way of making up her lack of caring in my life."

She frowns temporarily before regaining her sunny composure.

"I know how that is."

I nod and try to work on something to say, my stutter in my mind getting worse. She suddenly turns to me, her eyes wide and bright.

"So what do you want to do, Spencer?"

I breath in deeply as she says my name, and I love the feeling I get. She manages to make my name sound more beautiful and better suited to me then my own family could ever hope to make it sound.

"Something that doesn't require too much movement, how's that sound."

She look at me and snorts on laughter, earning a bewildered look from me.

"What? It's true you know! Look!"

I lift up my shirt and show her the bundle of reinforcing medical tape that's been plastered on my skin for the last few days, and damn son, this stuff itches. Her laughter stops suddenly, and her eyes widen. Her expression remains neutral, but her eyes are going up and down me, not just on my bandages... Wait what? She snaps out of it suddenly and a blush colors her cheeks an extreme red, and I have to laugh at that. I drop my shirt and she gives a small cough, her eyes shining now, with an emotion I can't quite identify yet... I'm waiting on the day when I can get close enough to know what those eyes are telling me. I give her another smile and head for my stairs, leaving her confused in the living room. I turn back to her and wave my hand towards the stairs.

"I gotta get changed really fast, take a tour of the house if you want, I'll be back as fast as a crippled girl can move."

I give her and wink and leave her laughing hysterically at the foot of the stairs, wobbling into my nuclear pit of a room. I'll spare the sensitive readers an in depth description, but let's just say that unless you have an immunity to all the Hepatitis viruses, have a Tetanus shot, and don't fear getting lost in an abyss of random crap, then you'd better stay out. Ok I was kidding about the first 2, but I mean it about the 3rd one, I haven't cleaned my room since 8th grade. I wade over to my clean clothes pile and flip through, browsing over band names imprinted in bright colors and strange designs onto shirts. I settle on my worn and comfy The Maine shirt and gingerly remove the peace shirt, throwing it into the growing dirty clothes mountain, managing to get the shirt on without any pain from my ribs (a major first), then shuffling to my jeans pile, sifting through till I find my lucky Seven jeans, once again changing with extreme care, and satisfied with messy ponytail, quickly putting on random deodorant and grabbing my thrashed old converse. I pause at the door, check myself one more time and shuffle out. I find Ash just down the hall, standing by the wall of shame. In other words, my baby pictures and school pictures. I put my shuffle into third gear and reach her, slightly out of breath.

"Hey! Watcha doin?"

She doesn't turn to look at me but I can see her smile widen, her hand drifting out and pointing at a family picture from middle school, pointing to a doofy smiling me, a backwards hat on me, 2 of my teeth still missing (baseball accident) and squished between my 6 foot dad and my mom, back when things were still ok. I smile briefly, still remembering those days, holding vainly onto the hope that we might be able to fix us and go back to how we were.

"You were a cute kid."

"_Were?_ Kiddo, I still AM cute."

This cracks her up and she shakes her head, finally turning to look at me. She tries to make her roving eyes discreet, but she sucks at it, bringing a huge grin to my face.

"Well come on then, let's go have some fun."

She smiles and ducks her head, walking past me, making me pause in my turn to follow, inhaling deeply some designer perfume that smells absolutely amazing on her. I follow her down the stairs and out to the front, locking the door behind us and coming to a stop in front of an Escalade. Ash is climbing into the drivers side and I have to stifle a bout of loud laughter as she settles into the seats, she looked tiny in that gigantic car. She honks at me and I quickly walk around, climbing in beside her.

"You know what Ash?"

She starts up the car and backs up, pausing to look at me.

"No, what."

"You look tiny in this car."

There's a moment of silence as she contemplates this before we both burst out into gales of laughter, her giant Escalade halfway out of the driveway, and the image of her in the drivers seat sends me into another fit. We eventually settle down and we're on our way after a while. The radios spitting out some mindless pop music (blech) and we're quiet ourselves, me stealing glances of Ash when I can as she focuses on the road, passing out of my neighborhood and out onto the street beyond.

"So what's around here? I haven't been down here in ages."

I shrug and look around, trying to think.

"Eh, it's all just kinda cliché places y'know, we have the beach, tons of places to shop there and a movie theater, the pier, we have Bella Terra, giant mall out by the highway with a theater, and that's about it."

The stutters gone (thank god) but I can feel it floating around the edges of my mind faintly, and I know that if the situation crops up where I get nervous, with Ashley, I _will_ stutter. And stuttering's embarrassing as hell around a hot girl, take my word on it.

"Ok, so cliché it is, but what cliché should we choose, O wise one?"

I wink at her and see her blush faintly out of the corner of my eye, making me smile again.

"I'm not really in the mood for a cliché around here, my faithful friend, how bout we drive back to your place?"

She looks at me as we stop at a stoplight.

"You sure? That's a good hour or so."

I nod thoughtfully.

"Yeah sure, as long as you've got food at your house I'll be fine."

She leans over unexpectedly and pokes my stomach gently, making me squeak and inch away, leaving her in another giggle fit.

"Don't touch me there!! I'm ticklish."

I cover my stomach with my arms and that just makes her laugh harder.

"What was the poke for anyway?"

Her laughter finally stops and she continues driving, heading towards the on ramp for the highway.

"Just trying to figure out how someone can eat that much food and still have a great body like you do."

Her eyes widen to terrific proportions once the sentence leaves her mouth, and I'm left in silence, staring at her with wide eyes myself.

"What I mean is uh...well you...and...you're..."

She opts to trail off and act like she's engrossed in driving instead. I just smile and shake my head, settling into the comfy leather seat.

"It's ok Ash, not everyone can have this body, I'd be jealous if I were you too."

She snorts and I can see her visibly relaxed, relieved that her almost fauxpaus was not caught. I just smile, she's so awkward and not used to hitting on a girl it's adorable. At this point I just want to get her to pull over to the side of road so I can kiss her to death, but as Buttercup says, waiting is the only way to know what this girl's really all about. I smile at the thought of kissing her again and settle in for the ride, content on surviving on secret looks and daydreams until the day comes when I can replace dreams with reality, and I'm telling you, I'm counting the seconds till her lips are on mine again.

--I just found this band called The Maine, ah man they're freaking amazing, anyways, this chapter felt _really_ useless to me. Ah well. School starts wednesday, thank jesus im an upper classmen at least, this year promises to be interesting. Read n review, peace n love.


	10. You Got Me

A/N: Sorry about the delay, ive been swamped with busywork from all my classes, I write to my readers as a now comfortably adjusted junior. School's going just fine, girlfriend and I are doing amazing, and grades are nice n passing (for now). Not sure about updating schedule but we'll see, and is it normal for ex's to see you around school and look at you like you've got 5 heads or is that just a californian girl thing? Anywhos, -enjoy--

_Girls don't like boys,  
Girls like cars and money._

The ride to my house is filled with laughter, jokes, and some really badly disguised pick up lines on my part. I could have any guy I want with just a few words, and I can't seem to say anything right to this girl, I swear to god!

"Are we there yet?"

She says it in that annoying high pitched voice that grinds on my nerves and makes me laugh at the same time, she's been asking that for the last half an hour. So i reply in my best imitation of a gruff dad voice;

"We'll get there when we get there!!"

"I want a pony!!"

We burst into laughter again, I don't think I've ever laughed this long or hard before in my life, I can feel myself developing abs just from how hard I've been laughing these past few hours. You know that's some serious laughter. We subside into silence once more, baffling me again. Usually with silences with people, they're really awkward. Like those silences where you can practically hear the other person thinking "wow she's a dumbass", but this silence, this "Spencer Silence" as I liked to say, was different, and good. It's not awkward in the least, and even though we're not talking, its comfortable and I know that the rush or pressure to talk about something is nonexistent.

"Hey, you got chocolate at your house?"

I turn on the signal and get into the left-hand lane.

"Hmm?"

"Chocolate. At your house. Which will then be in my stomach."

She is such a smartass. I poke my tongue out at her and make the turn, entering my neighborhood. I suddenly got nervous for no apparent reason, I mean I'm surrounded by houses whose net worth is at least a couple million dollars, and our house is the nicest on the block, and yet, I felt like it wouldn't be enough for Spencer.

"Uhh, yeah, we have chocolate."

She smiles widely, and it is so cute.

"Sweet, I can get my fix today."

I laugh and pull into our cobblestone driveway, very very nervous. I turn off the engine and slide out of the car, my shoes hitting the pavement while I slam the door shut. I walk up to the doorway and prepare to put my keys in when I hear a "hey ash!" behind me. I turn to see Sepncer still in the passenger seat. I jog over to her side of the car and give her a strange look.

"What, you can't get out of the car, spazz?"

She mock glares at me but remains sitting.

"Normally even I could manage getting out of this behemoth gas guzzler you call a 'car', but I'm a liiitle impaired."

She smiles sheepishly at me and I'm suddenly blushing, my previous comment making me sound like a jackass.

"Oh! I'm sorry Spencer, here..."

I step up on the foot bar below the door and help her slide out of the giant seat, stepping down and taking her with me. Now, this in theory would have been just fine if not for the combined clumsiness of the both of us. So as the (I thought) fool proof plan of extracting Spencer unfolded, she got caught on something, and before I know it, she's falling out of the car, and my one thought is just "save Spencer".

"OW!!"

Five seconds later, I find myself pinned underneath Spencer, whose head has fallen (as my luck would have it) right in between my boobs. I stop breathing altogether as soon as my brain process's the position we find ourselves in, and I can feel Spencer's warm breathes through my thin shirt, making me very very warm in other places. She raises her head and slowly sits back, still remaining straddled on my waist. And its either the sun behind her, or my vain hopes, but I'm seeing Spence's eyes dilate, a hungry look moving onto her face replacing one of pain. And someone kill me if I'm wrong but...I think she just growled at me... Suddenly she's hovering over me, and wait what? I see her hand come to down and grab mine, pulling me up in one move, leaving us both panting facing each other.

"Hey ummm, thanks for the hand out."

She licks her lips and I'm almost sucked in again, so damn tempted to shove her against the car and burn her mouth with mine, but I hold back, taking an extra step away for good measure.

"Yeah, you're welcome..."

I trail off and stare (not so secretly) at her lips, and curse myself for being too drunk to remember exactly what they felt like on mine. I do remember the bite though... I shake my head to clear that thought out, usually that train of thought gets me worked up...

"Wanna go inside?"

Wow Ash, no, she wants to sit out here and have you continue to stare at her lips. She smiles at me, and I get tingly all over, especially in the places she touched me.

"Yeah sure, it's either stand out here or sit down in your house and try not to lose this staring contest with you."

She winks and walks away, leaving me continuing to stare at her spot. I sigh and follow after, focusing hard enough to pop a blood vessel to not let my eyes wander down past her waist. It's at this moment that I realize Spencer has her own walk. It's very strange. It's like... a swagger almost, but she doesn't swing her hips like most conceited girls do, nor does she just walk without swing like a guy, she has just the right amount of swing to her walk, her hands stuffed in her pockets, her scuffed converse kicking rocks scattered on the walk. We come to a stop at my door, still left ajar after Spence called me over.

"Come on Spence, we have chocolate waiting for you."

I give her my best "seductive" smile and lead her into the entryway, nervous once more about the condition of my house, even though the fear is absurd because we have our house cleaned twice a week spotlessly by the cleaning crew. She barely falters at the shiny perfection around her, instead looking for the kitchen, wandering in to random rooms, looking more and more annoyed as she takes wrong turns. I can't help myself, so I stand by and watch her, completely mesmerized by how beautiful she can be just shuffling around in my house looking for chocolate. Finally she comes to a stop at the end of the hallway facing a dead end and glares at me.

"Where's the damn kitchen in this house!!"

I laugh at her expression, one of a frustrated kid looking for something they really want, and motion for her to come the opposite way with me, walking past the staircase to the kitchen on the other side of the entryway. She frowns when she steps into our chromed out kitchen, switching looks between me and the chrome.

"Why'd you hide your kitchen from me?"

I smile and shake my head, my emotional roller coaster going from wanting to pin her to nearest flat surface to wanting to hug her to death. Spencer is seriously messing with my tendencies and emotions. I go to the cupboard and grab a newly bought 6 pack of Hersheys bars, and turn only in time to find Spencer racing towards me, sliding to a stop in front of me, her eyes dilated once more. I hold the chocolate above my head, silently daring her to move us even further into this unknown territory, daring her to take us somewhere I know we've never been before. I suddenly find her arms sliding up my back and towards my outstretched arm, one hand staying firmly gripped on my waist, keeping me in place, though I know that even if I weren't clamped down, I wouldn't move an inch. I'm barely aware of her hand grabbing the chocolate out of mine, her face centimeters from mine, the dilated eyes turning the wide expanse of blue to bands ringing the black pits where I knew I'd lose myself.

"Thanks."

She breaths out the word and it washes over me, that one word being sexier then any other word I'd ever had said to me before. I practically melt into the counter, my knees buckling and making me slam into the counter. She withdraws and sets the chocolate on the island counter a few feet away, and a few moments she's got the candy open and munching happily away on it, wandering away from me. I resist the urge to scream and sigh loudly, this girl and that chocolate would be the death of me.

--And my inner teenager is showing!! Teenage sexual tension is AWESOME. Thank rawrmundo for that :) Read and review and all that good stuff friends.


	11. Drivin Me Wild ft Lily Allen

A/N: Still surprised at how many people read my stuff haha. Glad everyone liked the chapter, im still entertaining the smut idea (we'll see) a shoutout to my KJ, she got into an accident, and shes ok, thank sweet baby jesus, get better ok my pimp. --enjoy--

_I don't deserve you,_

_I can't afford you,_

_Unless, you're timeless._

Even after being here for an hour or so, seated on a couch, in her room, alone with her, in her room, I still couldn't believe I was actually here. And I can't really believe that I've been so in Ash's face either, that's not really a Spencer move. The car thing was a total accident, but a growl did slip when I was on her, I mean hello, I was straddling a gorgeous girl, you would so growl at that too! The chocolate incident on the other hand was just...not me. Normal Spencer is the quiet, unobtrusive, not in girls faces and on their bodies type. There was this new mutant Spencer though, I'm not sure when she got in, but now I'm driven to do things... _Bad_ things with Ashley. This new mutant Spencer was very aggressive, and I'm sure she was really really hungry for Ash, which both excited me and terrified me, it's strange having 2 very different perspectives in your head at the same time. I see a hand wave in front of my face and I snap out of my trance.

"Huh?"

I look over and see Ash has scooted over quite a bit, no more then a few inches separating my leg from hers, which definitely made me swallow hard. She laughed, and a stupid goofy grin was on my face before I could prevent it, her laughter having the same effect as laughing gas on me.

"You were zoning, I asked if you wanted to watch a movie or something."

As if to answer her question, my stomach let out a loud "oooorahhhhhhuhhhhhahhhhh". My face felt like it was on fire, and I let out a small cough.

"My tummys name is Mr. Grumbles, he says 'helloooo Ashley.'"

This makes her laugh again, a wide smile on her face as her eyes refuse to leave mine. At this point I'm pretty sure you could take all the sexual tension in this room and cover the world 5 times over with it. It's like that bomb in those big action movies, you know its going to go off, the only important detail is if the hero and the hot chick are in the blast radius or not. With me and Ash, it's just a matter of time before the bomb goes off, and the important detail of me and Ashley being caught in the blast, is up to the both of us to decide. I see the hand snap in my face again.

"Hellooo, where do you go when you zone Spence?"

I choke on an answer and just opt to laugh again, scratching my head and averting my eyes.

"I'm up for some food if you you're up for it."

I'm so tempted to stick on the suffix of 'beautiful' to everything I say to her. I don't know how she does it, but she does it well.

"It's either cook, which I can't do so well, or it's order in. Which would you want?"

I perk up, this could be my chance to totally impress Ash and blow off some tension that's been building more then long enough between us.

"Can I look at your fridge? I'm not bragging but I'm a pretty badass cook."

I smile and she laughs once more, standing up and leading me down her winding stairs to her kitchen, the scene of our previous excursion. I can still feel the tension in the room, and it swells to epic proportions once we enter. Ash is in a tank top and tight jeans, and the exposed skin of her back automatically tightens, making her already beautiful back taut and very droolworthy (one of my weakpoints with girls is their backs). I cruise past her, purposely keeping my limbs to myself to avoid any further 'accidents' and stop at her gigantic fridge. I pull open and find, to my great horror, its practically empty. I whirl around to see Ash suppressing laughter.

"Ash!!! Your fridge...its... its EMPTY!!!"

She's screaming with laughter at this point, and I can see the shiny paths of tears work their way down her face. She turns to find some sort of support, but her hand, thinking it would land on a flat surface only slices through the air, causing Ash to tumble forwards towards the floor, propelled by her screaming laughter. I see it happen in slowmotion and my one thought is "save ashley", and I dive.

"OUCH!!"

Well, I think we've found ourselves in this position before huh. I'm flat on my back, spidered out on the floor, my stomach cushioning the blow to Ashley's head, knocking the air out of me. My lungs scream to get more air, and the pressure of her head on my stomach isn't helping. I wildly motion at Ash to get up, and now. She promptly sits up, allowing me to sit up in turn and take a gasping breath. I suck in a few more breaths, calming down my racing heart and what would be a screaming headache. I turn to see there's still tears on her face, and I laugh, reaching out on a basic (and stupid) impulse, wiping away the few stray droplets of water on her cheeks. She smiles and blushes, leaving me a smiling idiot once again.

"Sorry...and thanks. That's twice now you've saved me from personal injury."

I can only smile and wave it off, but the red alarms go off in my head, recalling this situation from a previous encounter.

"No worries, 'headbutt to the stomach' wasn't one of my job descriptions when I signed up, but that just means a pay bonus for me later."

She stands up and offers me a hand which I brush off and stand up, my ribs instantly yelling at me for my sudden physical activity. Ash must see my "hot damn that hurts" face because she quickly snaps into action.

"Your ribs!! I completely forgot!! Oh my god are you ok!??!?!?"

She looks near tears (and not the laughing kind). I pat her shoulder gently, propping myself up with her kitchen chair.

"It's ok, it's ok. Nothing new broke."

I breath out another quick puff and straighten myself up, and I can practically hear the ribs squeak and snap inside of me.

"It's cool...now how bout that food?"

She looks at me like I'm crazy, and I only give her my crazy smile, shuffling to her fridge again.

"Do you have stuff for chocolate chip pancakes?"

I see her eyes widen, bingo, she's a pancake girl. She quickly assembles the line required to make chocolate chip pancakes, and before you can say "nummy in my tummy", I've got a double batch mixed up and on the frying pan, one giant one at a time. I have Ash pour in the amount as I continue making uber big pancakes, my mouth watering, and my stomach growling in a way eerily similar to "feeeed meeeeee".

"You're not half bad with food Spence."

I look up and see Ash trying (and failing) to discreetly oogle at me as I create pancake magic. I shrug and go back to the pan.

"Yeah well when you're as special as-OW SWEET JESUS!!!"

I drop the frying pan.

"MOTHER FUCKER!!!"

I'm probably over-reacting but DAMN burns hurt like a bitch!!!! I hop around the kitchen, ignoring the pain from everywhere else, my brain focused on the red patch quickly spreading onto my palm and several of my fingers.

"SON OF A BITCH!!!"

I hop over to the faucet and run it under hot then cold water, my skin starting to swell.

"Fuck Ash, I burnt it good."

I look up and see her frozen in a panick, deer caught in the headlight eyes. I shake my hand out and walk towards her, palm out, shaking her out of her stupor.

"Shit man, you know what I'm supposed to do with burns?"

She gingerly takes my hand, guiding it by the back of my hand, avoiding the red spots and taking it towards her. Without a word, she guides me to the table and sits me down, venturing out of the kitchen and returning a moment later with a small white kit, sitting down beside me. She opens it and fishes through, finally finding some form of anti burn stuff (i hope).

"This might hurt a little bit Spencer."

Her voice is tight and strained, just like the rest of her body, it looks tight as humanly possible, almost every piece of skin pulled taut, her eyes huge now. It's actually really kinda...sexy. I lick my lips and try to control the wild impulse, instead concentrating on the pulsating mass of burnt flesh which my hand now was becoming. She takes my hand and cradles it, gently as possible, and starts to spread and rub a tingly and white creamy thing on my hand, instantly cooling the skin quick as ice. I sigh loudly, relaxing in my chair, about to prepare a thanks when I realize that she should've stopped holding my hand a minute or two ago.

"Ash...?"

She looks up and she has that feral, almost animal look in her eyes, and suddenly I couldn't give a damn about my hand. What happens next progresses in that sort of slow/fast speed motion that life pulls on you in those absolutely life changing moments. She brings my hand up to her mouth, and soft as I've ever seen, kisses my palm, and each of my fingers, leaving her lips on my index finger, which happened to be unburnt... My brain barely process's that small nip she gives me on my finger because we're up and moving now. Almost as if on the same wavelength, we're up, and we're throwing ourselves on each other. I don't even register the dull pain that goes through my right hand because right now all I want is as much of Ash as possible under my hands, guiding them softly all over her body. Her hands are practically clawing at my shirt before bunching the hem together and pulling me full force towards her, making me stumble, which of course, was caught with her lips. I hear a moan, from who, from where, when even it happened, I don't know, nor do I care, because our lips, those lips, Ashley's lips are on mine. I'm melting, melting...gone.

She's kissing me the hardest I've ever been kissed, hands buried deep in my hair, pushing my face harder onto hers. I'm backpedaling her somewhere, where to I don't know, but we're moving, and while we're moving, her lips are on mine. Oh. My. God. They taste like any and every good thing that I've ever had in or near my mouth. They taste like that vanilla whatever she has on, they taste like her...like Ashley. I don't even realize it, but we've stopped backpedaling, her back against the counter tops, and that's when the mutant Spencer takes over. Without breaking anything, I grab her by the back of the thighs, eliciting a low and drop dead gorgeous moan, hoisting her up to sit up on the counter, pushing myself in between her legs and kissing her harder and harder. Her legs are hooked around my back, and her hands are clawing my shirt up and off. Suddenly, I feel her stop and slow down kissing till it's just slow and languid, all of the tension and rigidness melting off out of her. She pushes me back and rests her forehead on mine, her mouth blowing puffs of sweet and utterly Ashley smelling air into my face, and I almost dive back in, but manage to beat mutant Spencer back for now. I swallow hard, and almost faint at how Ashley saturated my mouth now is. Her eyes are big and wide, and staring right into mine as I try and match her stare. I see her jaw work, but nothing comes out but low almost words, finally manifesting themselves in one word.

"Wow..."

--I'm bored, girlfriends been sleeping for hours and I have nothing to do, there you go -bows-


	12. Somebody's Baby

A/N: Sorry once more for the delays, absolutely no promises of solid updating, hope all those who have ventured this far and liking this story, you know where to find me if you have any requests/suggestions/complaints. --enjoy--

_Her name was November,_

_She went by Autumn or Fall._

"Wow..."

My mouth doesn't taste like mine, it tastes like her. I don't even think it's my place to call it _my_ mouth anymore, she's claimed it as hers. She's claimed me as hers, with every bite, every touch, every second that her mouth continued to fuse to mine in this sweet sinfulness. I'm not actually sure about what the appropriate response to this should be. But there's that rational side of me shouting "you push that girl off you and run NOW!!". That sides tempting to listen to, but there's that other part, that Spencer infused part, that Spencer saturated part that's becoming a bigger and bigger part of me as every day passes. You know what it says? "You kiss the living crap out of that girl, and you kiss her NOW!!" Both sides are yelling pretty loud, and it's tempting to listen to either or, or maybe do a combo, kiss her and then run, but I know I'd never be able to do that. So I do the only thing I know what to do... I hug. I bury my face deep into the hollow of her neck, wrap my arms tighter around her neck, and my legs tighter around her waist, and hug like I'd be taken away by force if I let go for even a second.

Her reaction is sweet, touching, and charmingly Spencer, her arms falling from the back of my head all the way down, scooping me up and keeping me held in the air with seemingly no effort, free of the counter. I feel her heartbeat going steadily and a tad too fast in my position on her neck, and the feel fills me with a strange sense of satisfaction, I'm making her heart race at that new speed. So here we are, this strange and strikingly addicting girl and I, in my kitchen, alone in our own spheres of thought, yet somehow connected to each other through an invisible worm-hole. And so we sit, for minutes, or for hours, I'm not really sure, and I don't really care either, cause as confused and scared as I am, being here, held by her infinitely strong and warm arms, I feel the safest I've ever felt in my life. My mind runs through what just happened, and even as I relive what it feels like to have her mouth on mine, and her body against mine, my heart speed triples, and I'm suddenly unconcerned with any of the implications of these actions, because I suddenly want Spencer, and I want as much as I can possibly get. My mouth latches onto her neck and I feel her arms falter around me for the first time since picking me up.

"Ash..."

The way she just breathes out my name like that drives me crazier than I already was, and I bite down harder into her soft neck, now gnawing on it as if it were a hard candy. I wasn't even aware of any motion until I something press onto my back, and found it was the wall, and we had moved out into the hallway. I disengage from her skin and look into now very _very_ dilated blue eyes. Her breath is coming in hitching puffs and I can practically see her mind turning over onto itself.

"I had... I had to get somewhere where there was support, almost dropped you back there."

Her words are choppy, her voice strained like a high E string on the guitar strung far too tight and on the point of snapping in half. This makes me growl and re-attach to her neck, my tongue coming out this time, sliding onto the bite marks I'd left previously. Her head is thrown all the way back, and I feel the vibrations of a low moan run up and down her neck, making me bite down harder. Her arms continue to shake and loosen, bit by bit, and yet their grip tightens at the same time around me, forcing me harder into her front.

"Ash..."

There's that low sigh of my name, and I feel like a caged animal straining against some form of tether, feeling it budge and break each time I renew my efforts to break it. We're barely aware of the door opening and closing, or the footsteps that approach us, we don't even register the high pitched, whiny tone of my step sister calling out "Guess who brought some Chinese food?!?!?". We don't register the fact we're in company until we hear a "Oh shit!!!" Ground, meet Ashley, Ashley, meet ground.

"I um...you...I...well hey look at that, there's the kitchen, I'm gonna go...over there..."

Kyla gingerly steps over us and scuttles into the kitchen, out of sight. I look over and see Spencer, in the sheer spasticness of Spencer had fallen along with dropped me, and is still lying flat on her back.

"Spence...?"

Her head pokes up, and I giggle, a huge goofy grin on her face, her eyes still dilated to a point where you'd think she was high.

"Yeah?"

Her voice is 2 octaves deeper than I remember it being, making me shiver all over.

"Uhmmm...think we should talk to Kyla?"

She expels a breath, and a cloud passes over her face. She promptly stands up, wincing, grabbing her ribs, then her hand in turn, now turned a terrific shade of pinkish red, I'd completely forgotten about that.

"I think maybe I should just go man, uhmm, that was...just, I gotta go dude, talk to you later."

She hobbles out, and I call after her, but she doesn't pause as she continues out, the door opening and closing quietly this time, leaving me in silence, the occasional rustle of something coming from the kitchen. I stand up, dazed, confused, and slightly hurt. I shuffle into the kitchen and find Kyla just poking the bag to feign like she was doing something while me and Spencer talked. She catches my eye and coughs, and I'm aware of my cheeks turning as pink as Spence's hand.

"So, Ashy, you're gay now?"

I feel the world fade in and out as my brain takes in the question. And my brain beats me to the punch. The non-Spencer taken part.

"What?? No! That was totally against my will, it was an accident, she mistook some signs and thought I was into her and then-"

I promptly burst into tears and sank onto the ground.

"Awww, Ashley, even a blind person could've seen you were the one in control of that suck-fest, that poor girl was just along for the ride."

I feel a pat on my shoulder and shrug away from it.

"I can't be Kyla...I can't be."

"Well it doesn't mean anything Ashley, not till you talk to her about it."

I sniffle and shake my head.

"I'll be lucky if she ever looks my way again."

"Well, I guess you're just the luckiest girl in the world then."

I turn up my head to her, confused as hell, but see my line of sight to her blocked by a pair of legs clad in beat up converse and an equally tattered pair of jeans. I don't even stop to process it, just leap forward and wrap my arms around the legs, my face pressed against a kneecap. I feel lean, strong, and smooth fingers wander through my hair and I hear a sigh up above me, but for now I only cling onto the tattered and smooth jeans on my face. I feel arms extract me from her leg and pick me up bridal style, my arms now locked onto Spencer's neck as she guides us up the stairs and into my room. She sets me down on my bed, but I refuse to let go of her neck. She laughs and gently takes my hands off, sitting down next to me and grabbing my hand, lacing her fingers with mine. I giggle madly, and I feel like a little girl getting a new pony all of a sudden.

"Let's talk, Ash."

I look up at her face, a small smile gracing that beautiful face, and I know it won't be too bad.


	13. Mope

A/N: Hey everyone XD It's winter break, thank little jesus, so expect a buncha updates and whatnot, thank you to all my loyal reviewers, old-timers and some new ones :)

_Dick around like Frankie Goes to Hollywood!!  
Relax, don't do it,_

_When you wanna go to it,_

_Relax don't do it,_

_When you wanna come._

A/N: Chappy dedication to whoever can tell me what the Relax lyrics are talkin about. And yes, I do enjoy being immature.

Have you ever had a hickie before? Like immediately after every things said and done, there's that red, warm, and kinda pulsing patch wherever your skin was loved on? Well that's what's happening to me right now, except my entire body feels like that, buzzed, warm, and marked by her. Not to mention the hand that's interlaced with hers, and the hand that still is throbbing like a bitch from the burn, and my ribs generating their own kind of heat (and not the good kind). But the good buzz trumped the bad buzz, and here I sit, essentially high and buzzing myself, my hand safely clasped in Ash's, and never feeling better.

"Let's talk, Ash."

Her smile falters a little, but regains its sunny composure after she sees me still smiling widely at her.

"Don't worry, it's nothin bad kiddo, I promise."

She smiles reluctantly at me, and I feel her hand give mine a slight added pressure. I re-adjust myself on her bed and find myself wondering how soft that bed is with Ashley on top of me, but I cut off that train of thought before it leads us to other activities besides talking. I clear my throat, suddenly at a loss for words, and that, friends and neighbors, barely ever happens to Spencer Carlin. I open my mouth to speak when Ash suddenly bursts into tears. I don't even register what's happening until she plops into my lap, straddling me, her face buried in the crook of my neck, and her arms in a deathgrip around my neck.

"Uhmmm...It's ok Ash?"

This only seems to make her cry harder. Damn me and my inability to talk to crying women!! I need a workshop on it. She's yelling and crying nonsensical things into my neck, her tears running into my shirt and creating a small waterfall from my neck down. I'm attempting the calm down pat, but with only one hand actually usable, that doesn't work much either.

"Hey um...Ash?"

She continues sobbing into my neck, now creating what I'm sure is a rather large wet stain on my shirt.

"Ash?"

I poke her with my good hand, no response.

"Ash!!!"

I push her gently back and attach my lips to hers. That shut her up. Mental note: Kiss Ashley when she won't stop crying. She doesn't kiss back, but hiccups instead, and her mouth tastes salty sweet this time, tinted with the taste of her tears. I pull back to see there's trail marks down her cheeks, and quickly kiss them off before brushing her stray hairs out of her face. She stares meekly at me.

"Better?"

She opens her mouth and for a second I think she may start crying again, but all that comes out this time is a sigh and a tired smile.

"Yeah, much, thanks Spence."

I wink at her and lie slowly down, bringing her to a sitting position on my midsection with my hands on her hips to make sure no more accidents of the falling variety ensue.

"Anytime, shweethaht."

She giggles and taps my nose, continuing to sit up and drag her eyes over me. The result of the eye-dragging is quite pleasant if you don't mind my saying so.

"I'm crazy about you Spencer."

My eyes widen, and a smile works its way onto my face.

"And I'm going crazy for you Ashley."

She smiles back and bends down slowly, kissing me lazily, her lips and tongue working slowly and driving me absolutely insane. She pulls back, licking her lips, her eyes dilating as well.

"So what's it mean?"

Her question catches me off guard. What does it mean? I mean, make-out sessions galore, a self-proclaimed statement of craziness over each other...is that enough for a basis of a relationship? With a girl I don't really even understand? I shrug at the thought, I'd had relationships on even less then that to start on, why not? I check back into reality and see Ash staring at me, still in deep thought. My hand running itself up her side snaps her out of it though, and she refocuses onto me. My heart, which was doing and beating just fine and steady a second ago suddenly starts to skip once we lock gazes. I haven't been this nervous in a long long time. I swallow loudly. It couldn't be...

"I need to be with you Ash, bottom line."

Her smile drops off, and a confused look crosses. I bite my lip, not sure on how to continue.

"I...I barely know you Ashley, I know that, I know it'd be ridiculous to suggest it, but...I need you, more than anyone else right now, I need you..."

After a second thought I attached another sentiment.

"...and I need me some Ashley lovin'."

She playfully hits me before sobering quickly. She bites her lip as well, and stares back down at me.

"I don't know how or why, but I feel it too...I need you too Spencer."

I grinned widely and pull her down by the shirt, locking her lips onto mine. In that kiss I feel two things; I feel flatout, desperate need and something else...love.

--Short I know, but eviers (my sister) wants to watch a movie, and im a make some hot chocolate and watch a movie with her, enjoy. R&R


	14. Ricochet

A/N: Merry christmas everyone!! This christmas has been amazing, especially compared to last years :) Gots myself a nikon P80...HOLY HOT DAMN. Its like gods camera...only like better. Hope everyone got good loot this year, and enjoy this update, i bounced ideas off my pimp KJ, and ive settled on the plot twist for this story, it shall be good. Merry christmas kiddos, heres my present to you all. (oh and get the new Shiny Toy Guns cd, carah faye may be gone, but hot DAMN can sisely sing)

_Like a bullet...meant to be shot,_

_You're the target, dead on the spot._

_When I focus...I never miss,_

_It starts with a kiss._

_She ricochets!  
And you don't notice;_

_She's in your head!_

_And you just don't notice(notice, notice)._

I'm not in love. It's just far too soon, we've both agreed on this fact. We accept it, we even vainly believe it. But if I were to take a step back and look at us through a lens, or be a 3rd person observer with no personal interest in the matter, I'd smile and think to myself;

"There goes 2 girls madly in love."

But no. Not yet, it's far too soon for that. Let's just call it...like. I'm in very deep like with Spencer Carlin. Very deep. So deep that I can't breathe when she calls or texts, and I stop just short of heart failure when we see each other. After having Aiden all to myself at school or wherever I pleased, you can imagine it's not fun or easy for me to do this distance thing. It could be worse, Sheri was dating some guy who lived in New Jersey, that's like...3000 miles, I thank God we're not that far apart, but to a very Spencer crazed hormone charged girl, 2 hours seems like it could be the next galaxy over. Waiting for Friday nights? Psht, those infomercials at 2 in the morning go faster than that wait to see her again.

But, we wrestled through those first few months of the school year, and before you could shake a leg, Thanksgiving break was on us. One whole week. One week with mom gone to Bahamas, and Kyla with her. One whole week alone with Spencer. I got all hot and bothered just thinking about it. The only problem was, Spencer hadn't asked if she could stay at my house. It was killing me. Finally, I decided to bring it up when she came over on the Friday before break for our usual ritual of watching movies, groping, making out, and cuddling. A knock on our gigantic front door shattered my thoughts, and I almost tripped running down the stairs, Spencer got me that excited from just knocking on my door. With a breathless smile, I wrenched open the door. There she stood, casually leaning against my door frame, her eyes immediately roving up and down me. I'd learned from our first few Friday night innings that wife beaters and short shorts were the way to go. She just smirked that absolutely gorgeous smirk at me, and even standing there in her worn down jeans and converse, a faded band shirt, and an oversized hoodie on, she was the sexiest thing in the world to me at that moment.

"Hey."

I can't resist, usually we save the kissing for inside, cause it escalates rather quickly between us, but today I just need to taste Spencer. _Now. _ I have her pinned on the doorframe in no time flat, my mouth viciously pressed onto hers, my tonuge at ramming speed into her mouth, I need my Spencer fix, and I need it now. Even when it's pinning and groping and rough love, somehow, Spence is the gentlest touch I've ever felt. While I've left bruises from the slamming and throwing around on her, she never leaves more then the hickies on my neck or my collarbone. She handles me like I'm the most priceless thing in the world, and to break me would be to lose the most precious thing in her life. The thought just made me crazier for her. I feel her arms wrap around my ass and hike me up, my legs wrapping around her waist in our well practiced position, I think we spent more time like this than any other way. Something about being supported and protected from falling by her was amazing to me. She lifts me up and away, gently kicking the door shut behind her and carrying me up the stairs.

"Everything alright Ash? I haven't seen you this on me since your period. Moodswings outta whack or what?"

Her comment makes me pause in my minstrations. I had been feeling moodier than usual, and having a lot more cravings, I can't tell you how many times I woke up poor Spencey from her sweet dreams to make me a milkshake or a grilled turkey, cheese, and tomato sandwich. And definitely been hornier...muuuch hornier. I shrugged and returned to sucking on her pulse point, discarding any misgivings. I always laugh at how hard Spencer tried to not drop me while carrying me up the stairs and into my room, me latched onto her neck like a vampire the entire time. My baby was a tough girl. She set me down on my bed, unhooking my hands from around her neck. I looked up to make a joke, but stopped when I saw her serious expression. I jumped up and framed her face with my hands.

"Spencer, is everything ok?"

She nodded before swallowing hard, her eyes going back and forth.

"Yeah...yeah, it's just uhmm. I have something to give you, and something to ask you."

I nodded eagerly, I know it's bad, but damn do I love presents. She licked her lips and did the shifty eye thing again before suddenly dropping to one knee. I all but fainted onto the bed. She has a box. AHHH.

"I know how it looks, so don't think I'm a total romantic idiot Ash. You know what today is?"

I frowned then remembered suddenly. Our 2 months!! She must've seen the recognition because she smiled softly and continued on.

"I know it's going to be cliche, but I've thought about it for a while, and I don't know, I like the idea."

She pauses again, in deep thought, then sighs.

"I know we agreed no 'I love you's' cause it's just not possible, so I won't even go there, but...with you, I feel something different Ash, something new and absolutely terrifying. You're in my mind 24/7, and I can't sleep or function right if I'm not talking to you in some way shape or form. I'm crazy for you Ash, and I'm way over my head in this one, I just know it. This is something I have no experience with at all, and it's scaring me Ashley, scaring me senseless when I stop and think about it. But I love it."

With that, she opens the small box and slips a small ring onto my ring finger, a thin band with a rose etched into it.

"It was my mom's, she gave it to me ages ago, and I want you to have it. It's not an engagement ring, far from it, I'm not an idiot or idealistic about love. It's a promise ring. It's my promise that I'll always be here for you, always protect you, and always support you."

It took a few moments to get my heart restarted again, and by that time she was now on her two feet again, smiling serenely at me, her hands jammed far into her pockets, a nervous habit I've noticed.

"Also uhmm...I was wondering, since your mom and Kyla's out of town, and my mom's spending break with Ben and his family...could I stay here?"

Scratch that, my heart is still stopped.

"I'll cook n clean, I won't cause a mess, I'll watch whatever movies you want and-"

I cut her off with my lips on hers, this time not a hard and rough kiss, but a languid one, exploring her mouth like I didn't already know every twist, contour and scar in her mouth (football accident). She pulls back, a smile still on her face.

"That a yes?"

I smile widely.

"That is a 'what took you so damn long you big jerk.'"

She grins and pushes me back onto the bed, her hands pinning mine above my head, and we have successfully switched the direction of this visit entirely. She licks her lips again, that nervous twitchiness in her face once again. In my head I'm screaming at her to take me, right here, and right now, but my mouth is locked shut by the feeling of her on top of me, hovering just above me.

"Ash, can I tell you something?"

I nod, my voice isn't working right now. She sits back, putting pressure on my center, making me arch just barely off the bed. I see it in her eyes she notices and it's all I can do not to yell at her to have sex with me at this very instant. See? Random bouts of Spencer craziness, dunno what's gotten into me.

"I'm nervous, about this."

I'm confused, and she can read it in my face that I am.

"Dude, don't get me wrong, I've gotten laid, girls fell and fall all over me."

I glare, sex suddenly not on my mind, that is something you don't want to hear from your girl. I move to push her off but she pins me down, and I find I can't budge a bit. She is strong.

"This isn't an expose of my sex-life Ash, I'm saying, I've gotten around, I've been with girls, and this time, every time me and you get close to do anything besides groping or kissing or biting, I just...I get nervous as hell Ashley."

I can see it in her eyes, for the first time since I've met her, Spencer Carlin's scared. Of me?

"Nervous of what baby?"

She swallows hard.

"It's...it's happened before where I'm a girls first, and when we actually do...do have sex, they just, leave. And then I'm that big mistake they made, that big black splotch on their perfect lives, and it always finds me."

I finally understood, I understood all of those gentle touches, the hesitation every time one of our hands snaked under each others shirts, that one time I tried to get her jeans off and she bolted right out the door and was nowhere to be found for several days. It finally made sense. Spencer broke in girls, was used, and just got used and left. She didn't want to be another notch in somebody else's belt. She had let go of my arms and looked to be in deep thought, still seated on my midsection.

"I don't want you to be like the rest of them."

She spoke quietly, barely above a whisper, and her voice cracked in the middle. I saw tears in her eyes. My warrior woman, Spencer Carlin, who hadn't shed a tear when she burnt her hand or fractured 2 ribs, was crying. Over me. I reached up and brushed a few tears off, having troubles keeping my eyes dry from all this.

"Spence... Spencer come on look at me."

Her eyes wandered over to mine, and she had the look of a small wounded cuddly animal. She was strong, but all that strength just covered up the fact that she hadn't known actual love her entire life. The only love she had was from Leslie and Buttercup. And me. I pulled her down to my level and stared into her eyes.

"I'm not like the rest of them. I'm Ashley. I'm me. You're you. You're Spencer. And I'm crazy about Spencer. And I'd never want to hurt Spencer, and I'd never use her for sex and leave her."

I took her left arm and traced over her tattoo of 'love like winter'.

"I'd never do this to you..."

I showed her her tattoo.

"I'd never just be a piece of a lyric tattooed into your arm."

I pulled her down onto me and hugged her tightly and whispered into her ear;

"I'd be the whole damn song."

She hiccuped into my neck and laughed, a good deep belly laugh, a Spencer laugh. And everything was well again in the world of Spencer and Ashley.

As Spencer drifted off to sleep in my arms that night (a pleasant and new change from the usual), I mouthed 'I love you' continually into her soft hair for hours before falling asleep, holding a fallen angel in my arms, and promising to never hurt her.

--merry christmas!!!!!!!!!! and happy hannukah to my fellow jews!!


	15. Girl On Fire

A/N: Not much to say for this, I think the muses have been visiting for the first time in a long time.

We didn't end up having sex that night. I shared something with Ashley that no one has ever known before, not even Buttercup or Leslie. I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a scary thought, letting this girl, this...my Ashley into places no one bothers to go to anymore. I might've had thoughts of running away when we awoke the next morning, but whatever thoughts I did have evaporated up and out of my mind as soon as she rolled over in my arms, smiling with the lifting of sleep's veil, and her eyes heavy with dreams. She nuzzled into my neck closer and purred softly, gripping me somehow so intimately and closely that whatever doubts I had were done up with the rising sun. We didn't say anything that morning, and I somehow felt like more was said in that silence then anything we had discussed last night or previously beforehand.

"Hey, Ash?"

She "hmmm"'ed into my neck, settling further into the bed, opening her eyes slightly to look up at me. I smiled earnestly, trying to cover up the fact that my heartbeat was going all over the place now that her attention was on me. I kissed her head gently, and felt her smile into my neck.

"I wanna wake up like this forever."

"What, at 11 every morning? You'll never get a proper start to your days if that's the case."

She punched me lightly in the stomach.

"You're such a jerk, did you know that?"

She turned out of my arms and rolled to the far side of the bed. I sat up and hovered over her face, pouting at the wall.

"I didn't mean it baby girl, I was just joking."

Her eyes flicked to me and then back, a small smile cracking her "angry" facade, and I moved in for the kill. I turned her over and pinned her arms above her head, while I straddled her hips, I kissed her gently, her entire body tensing like a bow before relaxing against me.

"I'm sorry baby, if I have my way, I will always wake up next to you."

I said something along those lines, some words were lost in translation of course considering it was spoken against her lips while she broke her hands from mine and rubbed my sides slowly. I knew I could navigate this into something that she wanted, but inside, it still felt wrong to me. I pulled back and saw with some sort of twisted pride that her head followed me up, before falling back down. I cradled her head in my hands and sighed, breaking the contact to step off the bed and onto the floor.

"I'm sorry, Ashley. I just...it's hard to explain and-"

She glomped me from behind, wrapping her arms around my waist and resting her head on my shoulder.

"No apologies beautiful, I can wait until the end of time to be with you."

I smiled wryly.

"You wouldn't wait that long."

She squeezed me tightly.

"You're right, I'd wait a few months past the end of time too."

Tears bit at the back of my eyes. I dunno when I got to be such a softy. I put my hands over hers and she laced them together while she kissed the back of my neck.

"I know you're scared, we will go at whatever speed you want Spencer, I don't want you to run off, I like having you around."

"I don't think you'll ever know how much that means to me Ashley"

She untangled herself from me and walked to the door, looking devastating in a pair of boxers and a loose shirt, she paused at the door and smiled at me, bright and wide.

"Well we've got eternity baby, I think I'll find that out someday. Don't you?"

She left me before I could get a word in edgewise, feeling the warmth from the bed behind me, from the sun at the window, and from the girl just beyond the door. Which was the strongest warmth? Hers was. It always will be.

The next few days were spent making stupid jokes, holding hands, and staring unabashedly at each other, and I knew that this simple mixture was enough to hold me here until the end of the world. She couldn't stand not being in the same room as me, and insisted she sit on the counter while I showered (she would face away of course, out of respect), followed me when I cleaned the house, and sat quietly while I worked on my physical therapy in her beautiful and untouched gym behind her house. We fought for the first time there. I was doing pull-ups on the bar while she stared up at me with eyes that betrayed her every time.

"I love your body, have I mentioned that?"

I finished the 20th rep and dropped down, stretching out my now burning arms and back.

"Oh I dunno, maybe a few hundred times?"

She stuck her tongue out at me and continued to oogle me while I went on to do another set of pull ups and push-ups. I plopped down beside her, very winded and feeling the sweet burn of lactic acid in most of my major muscle groups. She touched my ribs reverently, still always afraid of hurting an injury that she believed she caused. I grabbed her hand and kissed her knuckles, knowing what she was thinking. I laid down and lifted my shirt, showing the ribs. I placed her hand on it and let it gently wander up and down the length of the ribs.

"They're not broken anymore you know, you don't have to be scared of hurting me."

She smiled at me sadly.

"It's long gone Ashley, you can't blame yourself for it alright?"

I hit my ribs hard for emphasis, but she only grabbed my hands to stop them.

"You could've died you know."

Her voice was quiet, and it reminded me of when she sat next to me in the hospital, absolutely aghast at what had happened. I sat up and wrapped my around around her shoulders.

"I've been in worse binds then that, I get into accidents! It's what I do."

"That's not funny."

"Everyone loves a good accident. Look, all I'm saying is that I get hurt..._a lot_. You shouldn't worry too much, cause you will wear yourself out over me."

"Are you saying worrying about you is a waste of time?"

She shrugged my arm off and stood up, looking pretty upset. Another thing I can't do well? Talk to mad girls.

"No! I never said that, of course you'll worry about me, but all I'm saying is, it'll be tough if you just worry and worry and worry. I mean I've broken dozens of different bones, and the number of times I've been in an emergency room is more tha-"

"JUST STOP IT!"

My mouth hung wide open, and tears were streaming down Ashley's face. I jumped up and put my hands placatingly on her shoulders.

"Ash, I was just jok-"

"I know, you were just joking. You always joke about it. Have you ever noticed how upset I get when you tell me stories like that? You thought the cliff diving accident was hysterical! Spencer, you almost DIED. Do you understand what DEAD is?"

I would've opened my mouth, but I knew better than that.

"Dead is not being with me. Dead is not waking me up by singing my favorite love songs. Dead is not carrying me upstairs when I get too tired to get up. Dead is not being there for me to love..."

I gasped. She said the "l" word!

"I uh...you...I...shit."

I turned her gently around and saw her choking back sobs, looking like a cross between pissed, sad, and totally...totally...fucking in love with me. I crushed her in the strongest hug I could manage, and my mind was racing as fast as it could. The hell if I know what to do. I couldn't tell her...I couldn't tell her that I wasn't even sure that love existed anymore. I couldn't lie either. I didn't love her, and I wouldn't tell her I did love her, because that would just make everything so more complex and difficult, and when she decided to leave me I would just-

"I love you, Spencer."

Well...fuck.


	16. Explode

A/N: My hat is off to the surprising amount of readers who responded. To be honest, I've figured these boards have been long gone of fans considering how over this show is. Life surprises one, no?

I'm not sure why I snapped. I'm not sure why I panicked as badly as I did, but I certainly did. And standing there, looking at her deer caught in the headlights eyes, I know I doomed us. I blurted it out, but it isn't to say I meant it any less, but rather...I imagined saying it for the first time would be on better footing. Not with me sobbing my eyes out, the old dreams revisiting my terrified and cornered mind. She steps back and stares at me, not with the glint in her eye like when she has a joke that she knows will just kill me, or with that dark spark that always precedes her pushing me into the nearest wall with her infinitely strong and compassionate lips. She just...stares. Her hands are shoved into her shorts pockets, and she's staring right at me, as if she just now saw me. And like she didn't like what she saw. I reacted the only way I knew to.

"Ashley!"

I was already halfway out the door and not stopping. I didn't want to stop, because I saw in those eyes what I saw in Aiden's. I saw cold and clinical confusion, and the failure to understand the enormity of what was just given to her. I had presented my heart, with all its scars and trappings to her. And she just stared. My heart broke a little more with each step, because each step meant that she wasn't stopping me to reassure me that it was fine. I had killed a great and beautiful thing. It was my fault. All my fault. I was so absorbed in this fuming rage of self pity and anxiety that really, I hadn't remembered that I had closed our giant glass sliding door. My forehead soon found out that I had.

"Baby?"

The word was an arrow in my head, and I refused to open my eyes. Maybe if I tried, I could die and then never have to face Spencer's rejection. I was somewhere soft, and her hands framed my face gently. Something cold was on my head.

"Ashley, come on, let me see those beautiful baby browns."

I muttered and tried to turn my head away, but found her hands kept me looking up. I relented and opened my eyes slightly, growling as the light gave my previously unmentioned headache a roaring kickstart.

"Atta girl."

She kissed my cheek softly. I know I'm supposed to be mad, but really, she looked scared, hovering there above me. I laced my fingers with hers, and earned a small smile as a reward.

"What did I...do?"

She kissed the top of my head gently, and sat down beside me, gently raising my neck and resting my head on her arm. She slid her other across my waist and protectively curled her hand on my waist.

"You all but shattered that giant sliding door with your head, you're lucky you didn't split your head wide open."

She bit her lip nervously, and brushed the hair out of my eyes. I'd never seen her like this before. She was...downright timid, and she looked like she wanted to cry again.

"I was worried when you wouldn't wake up. If you fall asleep after major head trauma you can fall into a coma you know?"

I averted my eyes. Seeing her looking at me that earnestly and seriously was breaking my heart. She rested her head on my chest and gripped my hip tighter.

"If you fell into one...a coma I mean, I'd stay with you till you came back to me."

I kissed her head gently, she had been really scared.

"No you wouldn't have."

"Nope, you're right. I would've stayed with you far past that, talked to you every day, held your hand, tell you how much I missed you..."

She smoothed my hair over again and kissed my head gently again.

"Dr. Spencer's prognosis is that you will be fine, given some tender Spencer lovin'."

"...I thought it was 'tender love and care', Spencer."

She tapped my lips with her finger and smiled widely.

"Shush you, you're delirious remember?"

Unfortunately with the accident happening, I couldn't manage much for the remainder of our break, and the topic that had set this catastrophe in motion was never brought up again. Spencer was an amazing doctor, and really, all of her goofy and sweet favors just made me love her more. I caught myself almost saying it several times, but for all of that, she never breached the topic again. It hurt a little bit...well ok, it hurt a lot. But I guess I couldn't blame her, she's been through a lot after all, with all her old girlfriends and the sex business...we're not going into that subject, my head hurts enough as it is. Our time together came to an end, finding me finally able to walk again without getting dizzy or having Spencer worry so much she'd pick me back up and set me back in the bed for another time. I almost cried as she pulled out of the driveway and dissapeared around the corner, though really, if she had had her way, she probably wouldn't have ever left my house, and taken permanent residence in my closet (no pun intended). The next day was school, and surprisingly enough, things had become relatively normal in my life while at school. Granted, I didn't really have any friends at King, and I usually spent breaks and lunches in long abandoned hallways talking to Spencer, life there wasn't so hard. Things with Aiden were always tensely awkward, and him and Madison were the new power couple, with my name being an uttered curse upon them. I once witnessed from a distance Madison slap a girl so hard for mentioning my name to her that her cheek split open.

"Move it, faggot."

Speaking of which...

"Hey Mads, how's it hangin?"

I stared pointedly at her boobs and walked off to my usual lunching hall for some random conversation with Spencer. What was always so sweet was that my lunch was twenty minutes before hers started, so she would always sneak out of her photo class in order to whisper to me for the time before her lunch started. Just as if reading my mind, my phone rings, and I still smile widely.

"Hellooo?"

"Hi beautiful girl."

"That's Ms. Beautiful Girl to you."

Really, these break and lunchtime phone calls were the only thing that kept me sane while she was away. We still had to discuss the visiting schedule for each other, but that was a serious matter, and for now, I just wanted to see her smile and hear her laugh.

"I am so sorry, your highness, how's your day been? Did you get that english paper on Tom Sawyer turned in?"

Oh, she likes to be my mom too. I swear, the house is spotless thanks to her visits, not to mention my kitchen is pristine, my laundry done, and my bed regularly made on weekends.

"Yes mother, I turned it in, I don't know why you were so insistent that I get it in, it cut into cuddling time last weekend."

I pouted at the phone, and though I knew she couldn't see me, she knew what I was doing, because really, we knew each other that well now.

"Cut the pouting, it makes frown lines, and I looked at your syllabus, that paper is 25% of your semester grade! Plus we more then made up for the lost cuddling time on Saturday night I thought..."

Shivers and goosebumps are the words used to define what I feel at recalling Saturday night. That was the furthest we had gotten, after we had been back in school for a few weeks, and my head healed up, Spencer just seemed...more determined to show me what she was feeling, rather then articulating awkward and broken speeches.

"We did! I mean, we did I just...I wanted to talk about that actually."

"It was crap wasn't it? I told you I'm no good at that second base business baby, I mean I read books and-"

"Spencer."

She stopped. When I said her name like that she knew to stop joking. For as much as I love that girl, and every single thing that she does, she joked far too much. And it wasn't for the appropriate topics either, for whatever talk we were having, if she felt cornered or upset, she would simply make a rude comment about herself or simply say she was worthless. Talk like that just...it makes me so angry.

"Thank you for what happened, it was...it was really important, ok? I mean it, you know I don't like joking about this."

"I know baby, I was just kidding, I'm fixing it, I promise. And...we'll work on the rest...later, I mean that is if you want to, cause we can go however slow or whatever you want and I swear I wouldn't ever like-"

"Spencer, I lo-"

"Hey...Ashley."

I whip my head around, Aiden is standing directly next to him, I hadn't even noticed he had walked up to me. I can hear confused "Ashley's?" coming from my phone but I mindlessly hangup and stare at him.

"Aiden, what do you want?"

He looked nervous, shuffling his feet and avoiding my eyes. He licked his lips and finally seemed to decide something in his head, looking up and gently grabbing my shoulders again. I couldn't help it, but I squeaked and tried to twist out of his grip. At that exact moment, Spencer calls.

"No! No I'm not, it's not that, listen, I just, I heard from someone, well...well Kyla actually, she talked to me and she said, said that you were...l-late?"

My heart stopped, and Spencer called again.

"She, she _told_ you?"

My blood was frozen in my veins, and the bubble of emotion bursting inside of my chest was some lethal cocktail of hatred, malice, fear, and absolute stark terror.

"Well I mean, Ash, are you?"

"Don't call me Ash, Aiden."

He took his hands off my shoulders and stepped back slowly.

"Look we all know you're a lesbian or whatever now, but I mean, are you?"

I felt my hand vibrate, and saw there was a voicemail. She proceeded to call again. Oh, Spencer...

"I think...the last time we had sex, Aiden, we didn't...I mean I never pay attention to my cycle, I assumed it was off because I had stopped taking birthcontrol."

He shuffled again, and we were silent. I was trying to think. We'd had sex almost three months ago...I hadn't had anything since I was off of birth control, and I had stopped a few weeks before we had had the sex and we hadn't used the-

"Oh my god."

It was so quiet in the hallway, my heartbeat created a tempo against the walls all around me. It was so quiet, and so so cold. My phone kept ringing.


	17. We Are Prostitutes

A/N: Again, very surprised at the traffic my stories getting. Like...it's absolutely confounding. Working my creativity to increase chapter length bit by bit.

Ash has been weird lately. Well, weirder then usual considering she is OCD about her music collection and throws a shit fit if she catches me drinking her milk from the fridge. It started with that weird reception problem she'd had with her phone earlier this week, and from there she's just been moodier and touchier when we talk, _if_ we talk. She doesn't pick up my calls nearly as much as she used to, and most of my texts are left hanging for hours before she sends noncommittal responses. By Thursday, I had made up my mind to visit her after school and figure out what on earth was happening. Cause really, I was worried. Really...really worried. And I'm not exaggerating when I tell you I got scared very badly. I knew if I told her that I was going to see her at school though, she'd probably have a panic attack, thinking of being out in public scares her that badly I guess.

"Spencer?"

I snap out of my reverie, this is the first time I'd heard her voice in a day or so after all.

"I'm sorry baby, I was just thinking is all."

"Well I can leave you to that if you need me to. I mean it's just me I guess."

Her tone hardened, and she sounded so...angry. Like my mom used to talk to me, when we still did talk.

"Ash...what's wrong? Why are you so angry at me?"

See? I'm terrified right now. I feel like a kid watching my mom glare at me for some small unseen thing I somehow wrecked.

"It's nothing, I'm just really busy, and if you're going to play make-believe somewhere in your head, I can't really do that right now."

I stare blankly at my phone and the "call ended" screen. I can't decide if I'm angry, upset, or just...just there. I mean, how do you come back from that? I decided I wasn't going to see Ash this weekend, or bother her with talking to her anymore. I mean, was this the breakup or or what? There was still school to contend with, and really, I couldn't afford to take a beating with my grades, I had college to think about after next year and all. I finished off the week saying nothing in my classes, and barely recognizing the answers I gave to the tests and homework I did. I felt lost, totally off kilter, like the earth after having lost the sun and fallen off its orbit. My head was down and I was attempting to sleep or maybe stop breathing at lunch when I felt a small hand on head. My heart jumped almost out of my chest and I snapped my head up, seeing it to be Leslie instead of...

"Heya sport, I haven't seen you this week. Where've you been?"

I waved my hand and she slid down next to me on the ground.

"What happened with Ashley?"

Before, it really hadn't even processed, what was happening, and I just kind of assumed this wraith-like mind-set for the entire ordeal. As soon as someone else actually spoke Ashley's name though...I lost it. Totally and unabashedly lost it, right there at school during lunch in Leslile's arms. I'd never felt so broken before like this. I'd been used, left, broken and abandoned, but never like this. Her arms were tight and secure around me, and the sound of my hoarse sobbing rang in my ears like alarms. I was going to be sick. I stumbled to the bathroom down the hall and unloaded my not even full stomach. I collapsed after that, and felt very sure that I was going to die. My body was instantly chilled and on fire at the same time, but the tiles on the ground felt so wonderfully cold that I felt quelled yet chilled to the bone. I fell into something of an exhausted sleep, having barely slept for the last three days, and when I came to I was in my big empty bed, Tubbycow perched on my stomach, quietly purring and drooling while I heard whispers from outside the door. I moaned audibly and the voices instantly quieted while the door swung open slowly. Leslie and Buttercup walked to the side of my bed, hands locked together and both looking really upset.

"Spencer..."

I looked to see Buttercup had spoken first, his jaw set and his eyes darkened.

"You need to talk to us about it alright? We know you haven't been eating, and from the looks of it, you haven't been doing anything lately."

I pushed Tubby off of me to his vocal protests, curling up into a ball with my back to them.

"I'm fine guys."

It's funny because right at that moment, I did feel fine. I felt empty and totally wrung out of sorrow and anger. At that moment, I was fine because I finally didn't feel anything.

"We called Ashley."

And just like that, the fine feeling is gone and I'm flooded with an insane sorrow that pounded at the very gates to my heart. I curled tighter into myself, willing them to leave and just...stay away.

"That's nice guys. She's gone though. I just...it's my fault."

The funny thing about crying is, when it really hits you, you're dry eyed one minute, and the next you're essentially in a lake of your own making. I curled so tightly around myself, I felt muscles pulling in my back and legs, my entire body convulsing at one point. I'm fairly certain I pulled something on the second round, and I'm being awkwardly hugged by Leslie, whose trying to pry into my own private world. I don't want her to. I'd try and tell her to go, but at this point I can barely breathe with how hard I'm crying. Time just seems to exist for a while, finding me taking a strangled breath each time, and surprised that I just simply haven't popped out of existence with all the pressure I was holding myself with. They left I think, cause I don't feel Leslie trying to pry me apart, or Buttercups strong warm hand on my shoulder anymore. I don't know how long ago that was, or when I managed to stop to try and uncurl myself. I didn't bother though, because another gale of sobbing essentially wrecked all of my wishes to move. Somewhere behind me my phone rang, sounding like it was literally miles from where I was.

_You'll be given love...You'll be taken care of...You'll be given love...You'll be-_

I feebly flip the phone open, aghast at how sore my body is, and how weak I suddenly feel. I miss my face several times trying to connect it to my phone before it lands on my ear. I clear my throat and attempt to sound normal.

"Hello?"

The word comes out strangled and choppy, sounding like it was partially stuck in my throat.

"Spencer? Baby blues what's wrong?"

My heart stops. I didn't just hear that. Because the girl who said that to me has been long gone.

"You've been crying, what's wrong?"

I start blubbering right off the bat. It's her alright, that uneven timbre and the hard emphasis placed on her W's...that's Jessica. I don't care how wrecked I am because of Ashley, Jessica can't come back into my life. She just, she _can't_.

"What do you want? Did you want me to give you more money? Or maybe a place to live? Are you calling to tell me you've moved back? I don't need your bullshit concern act, you've been gone for a year now. A whole fucking year."

I burst into tears again and slam the phone shut, throwing it to an unknown place. It rings, again and again in a distant corner, and it could be a number of people right now. I don't care about any of them though. Because none of those people calling are her. I'm not sure when, but the tears stop, and a troubled sleep pulls over me, punctuated by periodic awakening and more crying fits. Six in the morning and my blaring alarm clock found me rigidly trying to stretch my body out, finding that I did indeed pull some sort of stomach muscle running along my side from last night. I sighed and stepped onto the floor, wincing at how cold the wooden floor was. I washed my face, and attempted to eat something, though the sight of cooked eggs made me throw up in the downstairs bathroom again. I made the executive decision to not go to school and instead sat around in the den, with the tv full blast, which inexplicably quieted the voices in my own mind. I napped on and off, and managed to down some fruit before essentially passing out on the couch with Tubbycow snoozing gently on my back. That's why I liked having a cat, he always keyed into my moods, and rarely wandered off on his cat errands when he knew I was down. When Jessica left me he even brought me a small pile of moths and butterflies to try and cheer me up. The weekend passed, and the crying fits were spread further apart, and varying in severity. I even went to school that Monday, and even though I was numb, and refused to speak, even to Leslie and Buttercup, it was ok. Keeping busy helped, and when there weren't group projects or essays to be crafted, I began tentatively training with martial arts again, and spent most sleepless nights fixing the car collection my dad had left and passing out in those classic bucket seats of so many timeless cars. In this manner I passed the rest of November and the first weeks of December, up to my elbows in spark-plugs and coolant, layering my sorrow bit by bit with fanatical exercise and fix-it projects. The last day of classes before our break found me mildly surprised that time had passed so quickly, and as I quietly retreated to my brooding spot in the back hall, a small hand caught my arm and spun me around. I half expected to see Louis with a fist speeding towards my face, but only found Leslie. Let's just say...we hadn't spoken in a long while.

"Hey, Spence..."

I grunted in reply and tried to break out of her grip when she suddenly slammed me again the lockers. I yelped and pushed her roughly off.

"What the fuck man? Jesus, I didn't _do _anything!"

I shouldered my backpack and continued down the hall, only to be grabbed again.

"Ok, Leslie, you've seen me break someone's arms you need to-"

"NO!"

I shut up, stunned, she looked like she was going to cry.

"No, I don't need to do anything, you need to shut the fuck up and stop running, because I miss my bestfriend, Eric misses his gaming buddy, and we're lost without you!"

I sighed heavily and finally cut the motor. I had missed those two...

"I just don't want to deal with-"

"With me leaving? Bitch, how long have we been best friends?"

My jaw was effectively on the floor.

"That's right, since we were in seventh grade when you kicked Josh Dugan in the nuts for taking my lunchbox. It's the last day before break, and we've missed you so fucking much. You're gonna shut up and you're going to accept our friendship because I have worked too hard at being with you to give it up."

Her eyes were all but on fire, and I would've been ignited if pyrokinesis were an actually occurring event. I sighed again and awkwardly opened my arms. She all but killed with that hug, slamming her head into my sternum and robbing me of air while cinching my waist terrificly with her little spaghetti arms. I felt like a deflated tire and all but collapsed into the hug. I hadn't cried in a week, but standing there in the midst of Leslie's fierce love hug, I really wanted to.

"I'm glad you two fixed things, I was actually worried about it."

I blinked the mist out of my eyes and smiled warmly at Buttercup with his arms crossed and his smug all knowing smile on. I sighed loudly, feeling lighter then I had for a while. Leslie was still superglued to my body, and to be honest, she wasn't budging.

"You shouldn't have tried to fix yourself on your own, Spencer. We're best friends. Best friends _always_ help each other."

I patted her back and hugged her tightly in return.

"I know, I'm sorry. I just...I've never felt like that in my life. I just thought that, well you know."

"We'll never leave you, we're together forever, you dork."

She pulled off and slapped me lightly on the cheek.

"If you EVER do that again, so help me, I am going to have to hurt you."

I put my hands up and nodded.

"Duly noted my friend, duly noted."

Buttercup clapped his hands together and walked between us, putting an arm on each of our shoulders.

"Well then, I think seeing as it is the last day before break, we should have a gaming party with as much pizza and chocolate as feasibly edible, no?"

The night was well spent, and I laughed and smiled more then I had in the last few weeks combined. I really had missed those two, even though they did gross coupley things like the googly eyes and the "you're cuter", "no you're cuter" business. I couldn't get mad considering it was Leslie and Buttercup, and I was secretly planning their wedding anyways. I headed home in the wee hours of the morning, full of food and a hysterical fail moment involving Left For Dead2, Leslie, a tank and the Parish bridge final. I chuckled as I pulled into the garage while remembering Leslie's screams of terror as she was booted off the bridge and actually broke the map. I was still guffawing quietly as I closed the garage and swung around to the front door. The auto lights flicked on and my laughter caught in my throat. Her eyes were tearstained, and she looked like she hadn't slept in days. I almost choked out a snide comment when I saw her hands covered in blood. She smiled wanly at me, and it was only then that I noticed her pallid skin color and her shaking limbs.

"I really missed you."

She slumped onto my front porch while I was screaming at the paramedics on my phone.


	18. First Time

A/N: Wrote part of this on my itouch while I was at work directing traffic, so don't be alarmed by typos. Been busy working and spending my paycheck on front row seats for Lady Gaga and used video games at gamestop.

I don't want to talk about what happened in the time that I didn't see Spencer. It was my decision to cut her out completely when I found out about our baby, and I figured abandoning her was better then having her know that I was going to keep Aiden's baby. The days dragged on and I missed her so much, it physically hurt me, but whenever I would reach for the phone to call her, or found myself driving vaguley in her direction, I'd remind myself that she was better off. Or at least that's what I'd try to convince myself as being true. If anything, the time spent away from her loving arms and warm eyes made me love her more, and made me cry often enough at how selfish I was being, and at how hurt Spencer was. I remember the call from Leslie the day after I broke it off with Spencer. God, I can't forget how she sounded.

"Ashley, it's Leslie, listen, I don't know what happened, but Spencer she's...she's scaring me. I don't think she's slept or eaten for the past few days and we can't get her to stop _crying_. I've never seen her cry before Ash, can you...can you just fix it, fix her please? We're scared. I mean, we're really scared."

Her voice broke, and I knew she was serious. I could see Spencer in my minds eye, curled into herself like she does when she has a bad dream. I was in my car and nearly down the street when I stopped, and looked down at my stomach, now larger to my paranoid and scared mind. This would hurt, but doing that to Spence, having her know that I wanted this baby, that would hurt so much worse. I stayed up all night that night, looking at her ring I dared not wear again, sitting next to a stack of pictures taken both secretly and not so secretly of me and of us. I mustered the courage to finally put the pictures away, and stash the ring so I didn't have to obsessively stare and lose anymore sleep then I was to begin with. I started talking to Aiden more often, and though things were tense and very awkward, he genuinely seemed concerned, and even went with me for my sonogram. I convinced myself for a while, for a very little while, that it would all be ok, and that Spencer was probably just a phase. I even dreamt of being with Aiden again for a few days on and off, and the scenario didn't make me want to throw up even. I felt like life was balancing out in some weird way which was still too skewed for me too appreciate from where I was at.

"Hey pretty lady."

I look up brightly and see Kyla approach with Aiden, and I feel almost...happy again. This is of course one of the days when I don't wake up and just burst into tears because I forgot to put away pictures of Spencer and me from last night.

"Hi you two, I have sonogram pictures!"

Lunch was spent cooing and planning baby names for the as of yet undecided gender of the baby. Kyla was being helpful with unisex names while Aiden was interjecting with useless ones like 'Conan the Barbarian' and 'Leonidus of Sparta'. He even held my hand gently in his, which earned him a warm smile, but inside, something felt like it had just landed a hard kick to my stomach. I played it off as being the baby growing or stretching, and spent the rest of the day comfortable within the world I perceived to be my new reality. If only reality were so clean and polished, and if only I hadn't run away from the reality I had secretly loved all along. I turned in early because of more stomach cramps, which of course I decided were baby growing pains with the intention of sleeping of my sickness to get better for my baby and for my new life. I had a dream sometime after falling asleep, but it wasn't Aiden who was sweeping me off my feet...it was Spencer.

It was just before sunset at a park, and I was sitting squarely on her lap, my head nesting in the crook of her neck and her arms holding me tightly to her chest. Nothing had been said for a while, yet it felt like it was the best conversation I'd ever had with someone. She kissed my head and settled back onto the chair, sighing into my hair.

"What's up baby?"

She smiled down at me and fixed a stray piece of hair floating in the wind.

"I was just thinking about how beautiful you looked today."

Even if it was a dream, my heart skipped, and I felt euphoric.

"Really? And how do you feel looking at me now?"

She grinned, a real big Spencer grin, leaving no joy to the imagination or any guile left in her eyes. The warm fading light caught and reflected off of her eyes like liquid pouring from some beautiful fount in the center of the universe.

"I feel breathless."

I made to get up, but her arms stayed constant and locked around my waist. Her eyes spoke volumes to me without her ever saying a word.

"It's probably cause I'm sitting on you, let me get up."

She shook her head slowly and squeezed me into a tight hug.

"I'm breathless right now, and it has nothing to do with where you're sitting ." She stared at me earnestly and kissed me so deeply that within the dream, it felt like we had melded into some final form that could only really be dreamed of.

I awoke breathless, and in those few seconds of dreamlike lucidity, I knew I was going to lose the baby. My body felt fine, and nothing was missing or bleeding out, but within my own mind, I felt like something was missing, and that really, it was just a matter of time. I didn't bother getting dressed or grabbing shoes and before long, I was on the well known free-way shooting me down the coast towards Huntington Beach. Most normal people would ask "well if you knew you were going to miscarry, wouldn't you have gone to the hospital instead of Spencer's"? That is a valid question to which I have no answer really. I was scared out of my mind and knew there was only one person who could defeat that fear single-handedly. It was some early time in the morning where the only people awake were those with places to be or things to forget, and I found myself waiting on her front steps wrapped in my warm memories with the tenant of the house. I think I started bleeding around one in the morning. I don't remember thinking of calling an ambulance or of panicking, I just wanted to see Spencer. Shapes started dancing in front of my eyes by one thirty or so, and by the time Spencer found me at twoish that morning, I could barely make out her shape. I wanted to stand up and hug her, but my legs didn't want to budge. My mouth was operating on a different level then my mind, and I couldn't feel anything in my body.

"I really missed you."

And somehow, here I am, in a hospital bed with hoses and needles running out of countless patches of skin. I feel groggy and disoriented and oddly...warm. My right hand falls on something warm and soft, and I nearly jump off the bed before realizing where I was. Well, sure, I mean I'm on a hospital bed, but I'm in her arms. She was breathing gently in my ear and had somehow managed to wedge herself underneath my limp body and encircle my waist with her arms, carrying me up and down slightly with her breathing. I feel empty and so much lighter then before, and that's when I know for sure, that my baby is gone. The tears are quieter then I would have expected them to be, and I keep my sniffling to a minimum at the fear of waking my guardian. I feel her grip tighten around my waist and her breathing level out.

"I thought I lost you, Ashley."

My tears were running freely, but not just because of having lost the baby. I almost lost Spencer.

"I thought...I thought I drove you away from me, from us. That maybe I really _was_ a terrible girlfriend. I joked about it all the time, but my god I was so scared it was true. It was true though...you ran because of me didn't you? I did this, I made it so you couldn't trust me."

I wanted to turn in her arms and hug her with what little strength I did have, but that would require actual movement, and that was something I certainly couldn't manage at this point.

"You didn't. You didn't do anything wrong. You did everything right. Every single thing, baby. I just thought you wouldn't want me because I wanted to keep the baby..."

My voice gave out and I felt so tired, because the baby was in the past already, a thing long gone, not even fully formed, maybe with fingernails and a vague shape, but not much else. It was supposed to have lived.

"Nothing in this world or out of it would make me stop wanting you, ever, Ashley. You should've trusted me. You should've actually believed what I told you. Because people in love...they trust each other."

Her voice cracked, and she unhooked herself from my waist, sliding out from underneath me. She stood with her back to me facing the wall, looking tense and slumped over, like she had just fought a great battle. I noted that her clothes were streaked with blood.

"I didn't know what to do while we were waiting, it was stupid, but my fucking god, you wouldn't believe how much blood...I did the only thing I knew how to do. I mean that was holding you and singing to you, I felt so powerless."

Her fist slamming into the wall scared me so much that I actually squeaked shrilly and watched her body tense before she slid onto the ground.

"I can't even feel anything anymore. Looking at you, I'm terrified, because it was so god-damn EASY for you to walk away. Even vaguely thinking of being apart from you would freeze my god-damn chest up. I can't trust you, I can't believe that you love me, because if you love someone, you don't just walk away one day. That's not how love works. Cause...Cause I love you, and I never wanted to walk away."

She whirled around and I saw mutely that her hand was bleeding and the wall was dented in. She looked far too angry and scared to be my Spencer.

"What do we do? What do _I_ do about this? I didn't get to choose any of this. You made all the calls, it's not, it's not fucking fair! God I felt so broken, Ashley. Say something, SAY SOMETHING FOR FUCKS SAKE."

I couldn't look at that broken girl in front of me, because I knew she was right. If I really had trusted and loved her as much as I said I did, this wouldn't have happened. None of this. I found the strength from some unknown cosmic source, and lifted my eyes for what felt like miles until they looked into the tired weeping eyes of such a once strong girl.

"I...what're you saying, Spence?"

She glared at me, and her fists balled up, and I was briefly in the room with Aiden again, looking at me in shock and growing anger, his own hurtful hands balling into their own deadly fists that I had seen in action before. Her jaw was set, and you could see the cogs of her mind working and working. It wasn't easy, what I had just asked for her. I had trusted her to carry us into the abyss, into the unknown, like I had all those days ago in my kitchen, with bars of chocolate and a step towards the unknown. But we had always taken those steps together. You could see she felt trapped there in that corner of the room. You could see her furious and anxious to fight this off, to run away and to never look back, to brag and boast of the crazy girl she once knew and left far far behind in her past while she drank deeply from the new luck and life granted to her. You could see that other part though, the part I was praying to, the part I needed to win out in her own mind the part that was fighting her logical and rational side. It didn't tell her to act in the hopes of self preservation. No, it told her she needed to stay put in this room and love me more then she had ever hoped to before. It told her that she needed to look me in the eyes and lay down what she wanted, and that she was staying. That she would stay for the stupid fights, and for the countless weeks and months that would be devoted to healing this horrific rift now between us. I had to speak to that side, the side I knew loved me, and wanted to stay here with me.

"I'm trusting you, Spencer. I'm trusting you to decide if you want to try again. If you think it's worth it to be with me."

She turned her angry hurt eyes to me from the spot she was searing with her stare and her fists unclenched into tired hands once more. She shook her head slowly, her eyes widening as if she were just awakening from a long, long sleep. Her mouth moved, but she didn't speak, as if she realized she was now capable of speech. She looked so infinitely tired and used up. In that moment, a small part of me hoped she would walk straight out of the room and never look back, because in my own way, I had used Spencer. I had used her to justify leaving for the baby, I had used her to escape from the rash decisions I was so prone to making. I had used her, and in the process, fallen far too in love with her. I wanted her to run in that split-second before she spoke. Because if she ran, I wouldn't have to live with knowing that I may very well have ruined her life. She spoke then.

"We're in a relationship, Ashley. One person never decides if it's over or worth trying again. The two people, together, they decide. I love you, Ashley. You're selfish, you're cowardly, you hide behind others. You're just...you're so frustrating to deal with sometimes..."

I saw her walk out that door without even a falter in her step or even a crack in her armour of rejection towards me. Then I felt her hand wrap softly around mine, and the warmth that movement gave me nearly knocked me clean out.

"I'm in love with you, though. I can't walk away from something so powerful and so scary. If I walked out of the door right now, I'd spend a long time wondering what would have happened if I had just stayed."

Her face stayed angry, and her jaw looked set, but her hand held mine with nothing but infinite love and gentleness.

"We're gonna have to work on this, on us, Ashley. We can't make something perfect out of nothing."

I was too speechless to even respond. She didn't say anything for a time, but stood there looking at me, as if seeing me in some new alien light she had never before seen.

"My vote is that we try again. But we're a team. Team's involve more then one person's input, Ash. So I put the question to you. Do you think we're worth it? Do you think I'm worth it?"

Her hand clenched tighter around mine, and I saw in her own mind me walking away, condemning her for being so headstrong and stupid, and the thought of ever hurting her again made me nearly sick to my stomach.

"Spencer, I can't..."

She shook her head.

"No apologies or excuses for before. That was the past, now it's me and you in the present. Tell me what you want, and I'll do it for you without a single question or protest."

"I can't not be with you, Spencer."

She smiled tiredly and just seemed to deflate as if all the unstable air holding her up was suddenly gone and out. She let go of my hand and sank into the nearest chair, refusing to meet my eyes for some time.

"Do you know how much I missed you?"

She turned to look at me, a small smile creasing her face. I shook my head, I honestly didn't know how much she may have missed me.

"I could sleep because I didn't stay awake all night watching you sleep. I could breathe because you didn't leave me breathless. I could think because you weren't robbing me of every coherent thought I even thought about forming. I was blinded by the sunlight when I woke up, because you weren't there to be the brightest light in my life."

I cried again, and made grabby hands at her, attempting to convey just how much I needed her touch in that moment. She understood well enough and gently laid down next to me, expertly positioning herself between the guardrail and my body, resting her head on my chest, wrapping her arms around my waist once again.

"My heart beat normally again because you weren't making it skip. You have _no_ idea how much it sucked being normal again."

She nuzzled my neck and sighed into me.

"I missed you more then I can articulate."

I smiled.

"What was that that you just said, then?"

She waved her hand limply.

"That was me telling you how much it hurt to not be with you. Me telling you how much I missed you...well that's a whole nother story, I can't handle trying to tell you how that one felt."

I attempted as hard of a hug as I could manage in my state.

"I missed you too."

We fell asleep in that manner, intertwined and so intimately bonded that I cried silently while she snored against me.


End file.
